Tales From The Middle Of Nowhere (Vol.2)

"Yes comrades.

How art thou? So... we fuckin' smashed it, eh?

It was a nice surprise, the HFB album going in at #1. Thanks for that. A proud moment. Commiserations to young Mr. Cardle, whom I met the other night. Nice lad. Lovely hat AND scarf!!

The big story of the last few days was, of course, the righteous Man City's total and utter humiliation of The Evil Empire. A result so shocking my 4 year old, who knows nothing about anything that isn't a dinosaur, said, "That's really bad, isn't it dad?" To which I laughed into his face and raised him aloft like a human world cup until he requested that I put him down. A result so awe-inspiring that it rendered the 1st NGHFB gig almost irrelevant.

Was it any good? Don't ask me. I felt like it flew by in about 30 mins! I enjoyed it, mind. It did leave me with a bit of food for thought regarding the set list. All good though.

Legged it straight off stage to the airport where my private jet THE G-FIRM was fired up and ready to fly home to TCOTU. Had to be on top form at them Q awards. Got myself a nice little Q ICON award and more importantly, and somewhat surprisingly, a blimmin' standing ovation!!!! I liked it a lot!!!! More of those, please.

Spent the rest of the day drinking and smoking my arse off. Which meant yesterday was spent on the couch watching the repeats of the total and utter humiliation of Man United (which was where aforementioned child-lifting took place).

I am currently on a high-speed train up north heading to the great city of Manchester. Playing the Apollo tonight. Coming on to 'Blue Moon'. Should be interesting!!!

IN A BIT!

GD"

It did leave me with a bit of food for thought regarding the set list. All good though.



Yes, please. Less mucky fingers, more d'yer wanna be a spaceman.

aye get your acoustic Supersonic to fuck. Hope he changes it for thursday.

you're gonna be the one singing it, out of your fucking head.

fucking right, doing my best liam stance on my mates shoulders in the front row.

1

"Morning!! How art though? All good?

Good.

So… Manchester last night? It was great. Thanks for coming. The thing that fuckin' annoys me though is these "celebrity" Man United fans. 3 of 'em - who shall remain nameless - blew me out last night. All last week they were "Bang up for it", the "Couldn't wait to see me", and all that bollocks. Then one of them mysteriously developed "food poisoning", another one had "forgot" it was "half term" - whatever that means - and just to add insult to injury the last, and probably most famous of all the dirty reds sez, "Something's come up and I have to deal with it" …SOMETHING'S COME UP? What… like a little bit of sick that's been in there since Sunday? Tut, tut lads.

Anyway, am currently sat on the tarmac - not ACTUALLY sat on the tarmac - at Manchester airport on our way to Edinburgh.

Fuckin' flight's been delayed once now already. We've been just SAT here for the last 30 minutes! What a fuckin' liberty.

And it's pissing down. And the plane's got propellers!!

IN A BIT.

GD."

noel hates the environment.

D'yer wanna be a spaceman would be class

"Yes comrades.

Been a few days, eh? Lots to tell.

Where to start? So I think the last time we spoke I was on the way to Edinburgh. Might've already been in Edinburgh? Can't remember. Anyway, the gig was great. The kids sang their little heads off. It was reported that there may have been a bit of violence and maybe a little bit of theft. Can you crazy kids not behave yourself?

There was also a story in one of the local newspapers that I'd had some hairdresser-turned-journalist BANNED from the gig for apparently shitting on my album? A ludicrous claim. As you might guess, I'm not an avid reader of the local Edinburgh News. Sounds like someone trying to make a name for himself, if you ask me.

Spent the rest of the night in some hotel bar being told stuff about myself by drunken locals.

Onto TCOTU for 3 shows on 3 consecutive nights at 3 different venues. The first being the Hammersmith Apollo. I liked it. It was easy. Maybe a little too easy. I have to say I thought it'd take a lot longer to get everything up to speed. It's already become very enjoyable and we've only done 6 gigs.

That was Saturday, right? So Sunday was at the Forum? I haven't played at the Forum since Oasis played there in '94. One forgets what a blimmin' great venue it is. Great gig. Like the old days. Great crowd. If you was there - nice one!! Best out of the 3 for me.

That brings us to The Roundhouse on Monday? Don't like that venue. Lord knows why anyone would play there. I've been to plenty of gigs there - can't recall ever seeing a good one yet. Dunno what it is. Maybe 'cause it's round and not an actual house? Dunno…

We did party hard after though, so all was not lost. Took over a small but perfectly formed nightclub in the West End. My cosmic soul brother Gaz Cobain from the Amorphous Androgynous was in control of the cosmic juke box and apart from some mithering from Irie Nancy and the golden girls for some "Beyonce" fun was had by all. We was asked to leave at the crack of dawn with a £7k bar bill!!!!!

A proper good effort that. Needless to say the last 2 days have been spent on the verge of a nervous breakdown. All good though and it was well worth it.

Did have some great news yesterday though. Grazia magazine have me at the top of this weeks 'Chart of Lust'!!!!!! That's right, LUST!!!! Eat that Coldplay. You can have the top spot in the charts. That don't mean shit...

GRAZIA MAGAZINE? COLUMN OF LUST? #1 BABY!!!!!!

Off to the BBC today. Doing a gig that will be broadcast live tonight on Radio 2. 8pm, I think - although I may have got that wrong. Iz'rite.

IN A BIT.

GD."

What an utter mong.

enhanced purely by very powerful TEAM BDI representation.

"Yes comrades.

The gig at the BBC was great. Most enjoyable.

I like that BBC theatre. 200 people max. Like a little cinema. It's a bit weird though, eh? The crowd being about 2ft away? One is very aware of them. And they stare right into your soul - it was good craic though.

I enjoyed the banter. Right at the end though a blonde lady got up on stage, gave me a kiss, handed me an envelope and gave me the internationally recognised look that means, "You must read this". Nice envelope. Gold. With 'NOEL. X' written on the front. So far, so good. Now… back in the '90s a situation like this would've inevitably ended in a scenario that we'll have to leave to your filthy little imagination.

So anyway, back in the dressing room I gathered round the envelope - not unlike the scene from that film Pulp Fiction where Vincent Vega opens up Marsellus Wallace's stolen briefcase, you know the one? A shaft of golden light emanates from said briefcase on to Vincent's face and Jules says, "Are we cool?" Ok… that one.

So… open up the envelope. A little note… "Dear Noel…" Blah, blah, blah… Phone number… (Ok, get to the point woman!!)

Hang on? Surely not…

D'you know what she was offering?

Free driving lessons!! FREE FUCKIN' DRIVING LESSONS!!

Eat that Coldplay… You might be #1 in England AND America at the same time, but free driving lessons? That's where it's at, baby.

Am currently at Heathrow T5. Flying to the Yoo-knighted States.

Just bumped into Dave Hill from that band Slade!!

In a bit.

GD."

His use of BABY is very amusing

His obsession with Coldplay isn't.

"Yes comrades.

We cool? Good.

The flight was very uneventful. I guess that's how you want them though, eh?

Seen that Gordon Ramsay fella at Heathrow. You know that guy? Celebrity chef? He's convinced "Fresh local ingredients" can save the world!! Don't know why that's interesting, or why I'm even telling you, but there you go.

Toronto is freeeeeeezing as usual. I did a special little acoustic show last night. Only about 200 people. There was a LOT of love in the room mostly coming from grown men, I have to say, which always makes me feel a bit uncomfortable. It was a good laugh though.

City won again yesterday AND, as luck would have it, it was live on TV!!!!!!! I'm starting to believe now.

Done nothing today. There's nothing to do. Literally nothing.

Got 2 shows coming up at Massey Hall and if last night is anything to go by they should be great.

I'm currently being a sloth watching some NFL game or other. I quite like American Football. Not quite sure why. I recall being hooked one night in the '80s while I was tripping!!! Think it might've been the colours. And before you ask, no I don't have a favourite team or player. I don't know anything about it other than the rules and the fact that it's mega when you're tripping - which I'm not at the moment, by the way!!!!

In a bit.

GD."