Tales From The Middle Of Nowhere Vol 3

Now then... What's happening? Out or nowt? Probably nowt eh?
So I get to Korea... South Korea to be precise... Seoul in fact to be exact. I do fucking LOVE that place and here are a few reasons why:
I'm met by quite a few fans at the airport after a deeply unrelaxing 13 hour flight... Has anyone seen that film BIRDMAN by the way? If you haven't then don't... You're not missing much.
I'm given a present in a large bag which had drawn on the front: FUCKing AMAZing PRESent...
It was a painting of our Liam... AMAZing indeed!!
Managed to make it to the hotel just before a quite spectacular electrical thunderstorm. I had a sensational view from the 32nd floor... Good gear!
The last time I was out there it was my birthday and the kids really did push the boat out. This time they outdid themselves... It would seem everyday is my birthday in Seoul!!
The gigs were just unbelievable, not for anything I did I might add, simply because those fans are truly incredible...very special...seemingly mostly teenage girls (which is nice). Not quite sure what I've done to deserve that at such a late state in the game but...nice one!
The screams are fucking loud. You have to hear it to believe it. The synchronised hand waving is psychedelic, the singing is breathtaking and on top of all that they la,la,la all the guitar solos and brass parts. Not to mention the entire crowd singing Live Forever word for word, note perfect, in the gap before the encore!!!! I wish you could experience it, it really is summat else.
So sadly we leave on Easter Sunday. We head for Japan. The flight on Korean Airlines takes about an hour and a half. Very uneventful. The perfect flight. We get to immigration to be greeted by huge signs saying: SPECIAL INSPECTIONS TO PREVENT TERRORISM... It takes us two hours stood in the same queue inching slowly towards a counter that is literally 20 feet away... The flight was an hour and a half! It was brutal. There was some old Hitler-esque woman randomly shouting "mister you no push in!!!". At no-one in particular I might add... Just as I get within one person of actually getting through to the other side a Korean Air Stewardess appears out of nowhere holding what looks like a black clipboard, walks up to me and shows it to me without saying a word. I'm not sure what the fuck is going on at this point. On 'the clipboard' is a post it note with some random numbers written on it...K175-2c??? She's looking at me... I'm looking at her... There is a long silence.........??..........??...........??..........??
"Sir is this your flight number and seat number?"
"Erm..dunno...KEV!!!"(Kev is my security guard and yes it was my flight number and seat number)
"You left this on the seat next to you."
It was my fucking iPad which I hadn't even realised I'd lost and this lady had gone out of her way and somehow managed, after 2 hours I might add, to find me in amongst a mob of angry tourists. Do we think that would have happened at Heathrow or anywhere else in the western world? Oh I think fucking not!!
People of South Korea.
You are amazing.
Your presents are fucking amazing if a little weird.
Your enthusiasm for a tune is unbelievable.
Your synchronised hand waving should be made into an Olympic sport.
Your air hostesses are angelic in the extreme and your devotion to barbecued meat stuffs is exceptional… (Do NOT tell Morrissey I said that!).
I love you very much.

You currently find me in the great city of Osaka...pissing down.
Keep it livid yeah?

ONWARDS.

GD.

PS:today I will be mostly listening to OUTCAST by THE ANIMALS..get on it

So... The dance is underway. I'm in for 2 weeks of pure mither... I shall be chased through train stations and across hotel lobbies mostly by girls shouting "Please sign, please sign!!"
Add to that the inevitable all round weirdness and bingo you got yourself a Japanese tour!
First stop Osaka. Did a Q&A with some of my fan club members...suitably awkward. Amongst other things I was asked questions about marriage, parenting, Sir David Gilmour, Sir Jeffrey Beck, pets, clothes, Oasis (obviously), the state of music in general and there might even have been some questions about my new album!!
The first of the 2 nights was very strange. I've been coming here to Japan for well over 20 yrs now and I can safely say that was the oddest gig I've EVER done. The crowd were silent in between songs. They usually are quiet but this mob were SILENT!! Not a sound...you could probably hear my heart beating I know I could! They were appreciative and all that but...
Next stop was here in Hiroshima...the gigs were most enjoyable.
I'm just about to leave and get the train to Fukuoka.
I have nothing more to say....oh it's pissing down!!
GD.

Now then... What's happening? Anything exciting? No? Excellent!!!!
I didn't bother sending regular updates from Japan as the days to tend to be quite similar over there... MITHER, FUSS, MITHER, FUSS, PROMO, FUSS, SOUNDCHECK, MITHER, MORE PROMO,
MITHER AND FUSS, GIG, FUSS AND MITHER, HOTEL, FUSS, BULLET TRAIN, MITHER, MITHER, MITHER...repeat. Didn't seem any point bothering you with it.
Here then is a quick round up:
Every day is the same... hassled in hotel lobbies... chased through train stations... arrive at the gig... marvel at the latest brass section... There was one particularly shit mob in. Can't remember now but they were awful...funny almost.
Some guy at one of the shows had a placard held what said: "WHAT COLOUR UNDERPANTS ARE YOU WEARING?". I'd like to say the crowd were stunned into silence when I told them I don't wear underwear onstage, but as it was quieter than a comedy club that Madonna's doing stand up at (did you see that thing? Holy shit balls!!) I'm not sure anyone noticed, least of all me!
Been given some truly wonderful gifts by that mob. Not a day goes by that someone's not thrusting something or other at you shouting "GIFT FOR YOU!!" or "GIFT FOR SARA!!" or "GIFT FOR YOUR CHILDREN!!"
Bless you and thanks by the way if any of those people were you.
I did get a bit concerned when someone give me this bag of...stuff. In amongst it was a box with, what I would describe as, quite shouty Japanese writing on it. Being curious and all that I decided to open it up and see what was in it. Turns out it was individually wrapped little mini chocolate bars. BINGO!! I put the kettle on and sat down to sample the delights of yer oriental fun size snack. I'm on about my 3rd little shouty chocolate things when I start examining the box and I notice that underneath the shouty Japanese writing is, written in shouty English, "The legend: BLACK THUNDER!!" Black thunder? I'm thinking... Oh fuck these better not be laxatives!!
The lad with the placard followed the entire tour with different variations on his original sign, at least I think it was him... My favourite being him holding up a sign with just a pair of underpants drawn on with the words: "WHAT COLOUR ARE THEY?" He was obsessed!
The interviews were as you might imagine... Unique I think is the best way to put it.
Someone asked me about our "upcoming erection?"... 'Scuse me? Who gives a fuck about that anyway? 79% of the fiscal this...2.4% growth of the annual that, spend, cut, borrow, lend, build...blah, blah FUCKING BLAH. Say something radical you utterly contemptible bastards.
Sorry about that. Where were we? Yes... Tokyo, The Budokan, a great way to end the tour... 2 nights.
Excellent shows. First night was my favourite. The sun even came out. Lovely!
Japanese fans you are without doubt the most strangely strange yet oddly normal people in the whole world.
Thank you for everything... until Fuji Rock... SAYO-FUCKIN'-NARA!
You currently find me at home, alone, in our kitchen. Nancy and the 2 princes have gone out for the day to a safari park. Even the cat's gone out!!
The silence is deafening...bit like in Osaka!!
Keep it livid yeah?
GD.
PS:on that tour I listened mostly to:
Sunday Shining by Finley Quaye.
Cymbeline by Pink Floyd.
Lunatics Lament by Kevin Ayres.
Everybody's Got To Clap by LuLu.
Going My Way by Paul Weller.
Just One Time by Juicy Lucy.
Work Your Body by Moonbotica.
Guöngyhaju lány by Omega.
Get the fuck on that lot!!

Bonjour… I was going to go straight into a rambling sprawling tale of this N. American tour so far.
But I must tell you I'm getting increasingly irritated by writing these things now. I think I've probably said all there is to say about life on the road.
Before I bow out I will tell you this N. American leg has so far been fucking excellent. I've only done 4 shows. The first 2 in Canada were 2 of the best I ever did and the rest have been even better.
It's been a pleasure posting these things over the last few years but quite frankly I can't be arsed anymore. Needless to say IF I feel the need to set the record straight about whatever somewhere down the line then I may well be in touch. But for now and the foreseeable future, adios.

ONWARDS.

NG.