Author Topic: I'm struggling.... (Read 965 times)
Tuckerman
God
*****


Tuckerman Avatar





[send pm]

Joined: February 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,891
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 17, 2019 21:23:49 GMT » -
Quote

By all accounts, I've had a good year. My son was born, I got engaged to my long-term (I know, right?) missus, I got a new job with a nice payrise which allows me to travel and see the world 4 or 5 times a year. Also, collectively, me and my missus had ran up some debts and my Dad borrowed us the money to clear most of those.



Yet here I sit, baring all to a bunch of people from the internet that I've never met (unless DaveyBoy is reading)



The last 12 months have been a real struggle for me. To begin with, I thought it was just something I'd shake off. I was having an off day here and there, motivation was lacking, or I was tired for no good reason, or annoyed about things without really knowing why. It started getting more frequent but being the happy-go-luck character that I generally am, I'd brush it off.



But I now have to admit to myself that I am having a fucking hard time. I feel kind of pathetic because what reasons do I have to be struggling psychologically?



There are definitely things that have happened in the last year that have been challenging for me personally. First of, rewinding to about September last year, my Mum tried to top herself, or at least that's what she claimed in a text to me at about 1am one Sunday morning. Of course, I was frantic and tried calling her only for my drunk Dad to answer who said it was just attention seeking. He was so convinced it wasn't true he refused to call an ambulance so I did. To this day, my Mum swears she tried to kill herself but she's still here to tell the tale, so who knows?



Then December, my missus had an ASTRONOMICAL fallout with her Mum. Things got so bad, she was also mentioning doing herself in, which I just could not fathom because we have 2 kids, and no matter what, how could she consider leaving them behind?



But perhaps now I understand, because for sure, in the last couple of months, the thought has crossed my mind. I've stood at the side of roads waiting to cross thinking how easy it would be to take single step in front of busy traffic, or held fucking razor blades to my wrist thinking how easy it would be to just...y'know. It's happened more times than I'm comfortable with tbh.



Yet I have no real reasons as to why. Sure, work is stressful, as is having 2 relatively demanding kids, but why do I so often feel like I've just had enough and could just do without even being here anymore? For no reason at all, I just feel fucking lost; like I don't belong. I feel like I'm carrying a horrible, horrible and unshakable black cloud around with me. And that I can't escape. It's terrifying.



I feel like I should be the glue holding things together, especially in light of my Mum and my missus both either attempting or threatening suicide, but right now, I just feel like I'm barely holding things together myself.



I've shared my elation and my woes with this place for the best part of 15 years now, and I felt almost compelled to share this with those of you who are still hanging around. They say when you're going through mentally challenging times, you should speak up and tell people, so that's what I'm doing. I've kind of lost touch a bit with my best friends who might normally help me through this sort of shit. I have a pal who I work with, who is probably my best friend now tbh, but he has his own shit to deal with and I wouldn't want to burden him with my strife. Not to say you lot don't have your own stuff going on, but it's easier unloading all of this over an internet forum.



I think I'll probably go see a Dr or something because I don't think I can cope with it on my own. It's scary and certainly not something I ever thought I'd face and right now I'm feeling like the only way out is with a bit of help and support.

Back to Top  

Check oot ma tunes, ey?
soundcloud.com/tommytuckerman
jp
God
*****

member is online

jp Avatar





[send pm]

Joined: July 2010
Posts: 6,356
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 17, 2019 22:01:10 GMT via mobile »
Quote

Well done for speaking up Tuckerman. Definitely go see your gp. Big love x

Back to Top  
forever
God
*****


forever Avatar





[send pm]

Joined: August 2010
Posts: 2,639
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 17, 2019 22:17:00 GMT »
Quote

Sorry to hear you're feeling down. No shame in admitting it, definitely talk to your GP and/or your pal from work - don't feel you're putting him out. Hope you're out of the slump soon.

Back to Top  
monkeytennis
God
*****


monkeytennis Avatar


popping like the top of a bottle of hot javascript


[send pm]

Joined: July 2010
Posts: 8,421
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 17, 2019 23:03:01 GMT » -
Quote

Tux, you're a hero for speaking out like that (and just for being such a self-effacing and positive forum presence over the years, which I'm sure all the good eggs of this place appreciate), and I hope that in itself has brought some relief. Definitely get to speak to your GP but also be careful with the SSRIs they will no doubt prescribe you like they do so easily. They take a while (weeks, months...) to kick in and you need to taper off them really gradually, plus they have lots of negative interactions. As someone who has worked in pharma for 13 years and takes a bunch of drugs on a recreational/experimental basis, I hope you'll see the place my advice comes from.

Exercise, diet, speaking to people is always so helpful. Also have a go at meditation, it can take some time to get the hang off but can be amazing. Something similar, but that has worked for me much quicker is a positive mental training programme that my wife and I and some others (doctors, health psychotherapists, psychologists etc) have been working on. It's based on sports psychology/linked memories and has great research and results behind it. Sorry for sounding like a plug (I really am), we are completely re-doing it at the moment - the product works but the app/website/everything else is shite - but i'm more than happy to give you a code to use it all in its current state for free. Drop me a message if you would like to try a few tracks out and we'll sort it.

You're a great guy Tux, and getting the right steps in place will help you understand all you have to offer to the world and all the world can do for you. Much love from here always xxx

Back to Top  
stocky
God
*****


stocky Avatar





[send pm]

Joined: November 2010
Posts: 838
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 17, 2019 23:42:03 GMT »
Quote


Help is at hand Tucker, it's 2019 and there's simply no reason to go on struggling like you're some kind of super hero.

Don't beat yourself up about it, we all have moments where life gets too much (even if on the surface everything is ok).

Go and see your GP and work out the best route forward. I've been there and I promise it gets a lot easier.

Much love xxx



Back to Top  
stocky
God
*****


stocky Avatar





[send pm]

Joined: November 2010
Posts: 838
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 17, 2019 23:44:41 GMT »
Quote

Also, Baz's advice is excellent

Back to Top  
Deleted


Deleted Avatar





[send pm]

Joined: January 1970
Posts: 0
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 18, 2019 6:16:46 GMT via mobile »
Quote

Try cycling tucker, I cannot recommend this enough. Especially if you’re a big lad, its easy enough on the legs and knees and does wonders to your mental state.

Without cycling I’d have quit my job and would have ended up in a real mess. I’m not talking about cycling to the shop to pick up a block of cheese, I’m talking performance cycling brother, im talking about finding the perfect 10 mile, 20 mile, 30 mile, 40 mile, 50 mile and eventually 100 mile route. I’m talking carbon road bikes, I’m talking deep section carbon wheels that slice through the wind, I’m talking about the finest Lycra material glued to your ball sack, im talking about the greatest epoch in our history, the sensation of being at the height of eunach fashion. I'm talking about the greatest sporting hobby anyone can hope to be involved with, im talking about a sport that anyone can do and at any age. The rewards can be as big or as small as you want them to be.

Cycling can give you the ultimate sensation of freedom and control, honestly mate you’ll feel like a giddy fucking GOD. Imagine descending at 40mph and feeling like you’ve got no clothes on? All on a thin carbon machine that weighs less than 7kg ? There’s nothing quite like it, the sensation of conquering a hard climb is equally brilliant, I’m talking cycling computers that measure your speed, cadence, power and calories, I’m talking Strava - probably the greatest app of all time. You know that hill next to your house? There are probably hundreds of cyclist racing against each other everyday through Strava. Fuck feeling down tucker, and fuck Instagram gyms, fuck running and jogging, it’s time to become Peter Sagan. Its time to conquer.



Give it a go, you’ll be laughing and smiling like there’s no tomorrow.



« Last Edit: Apr 18, 2019 8:23:23 GMT by Deleted » Back to Top  
barny
God
*****


barny Avatar





[send pm]

Joined: July 2010
Posts: 8,329
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 18, 2019 6:26:39 GMT »
Quote

Like everyone's saying, you should see the doctor. You have a lot on your back and you've taken the hardest step which is opening up. Sports and spending time working on your music (like you're doing lately) might also help. You're key to this place!

Back to Top  

Columbia_rocks_man
God
*****


Columbia_rocks_man Avatar





[send pm]

Joined: July 2010
Posts: 5,059
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 18, 2019 16:02:33 GMT » -
Quote

axl Avatar
Try cycling tucker, I cannot recommend this enough. Especially if you’re a big lad, its easy enough on the legs and knees and does wonders to your mental state.



I agree with Axl that cycling is a wonderful hobby which is cheap, easy, and enjoyable. You definitely do feel better about things after a conquering some distance.

However, I would stress you don't need to dive head first into the world of carbon-framed bikes and skin tight lyrca to do it. I'm still on my patched up bike, which is approaching eight years old, but can still do 40 odd miles no sweat. I also studiously avoid lyrca at all costs.


Back to Top  
Deleted


Deleted Avatar





[send pm]

Joined: January 1970
Posts: 0
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 18, 2019 17:04:11 GMT via mobile »
Quote

Agree with that of course, I was just to trying to emphasise that it can turn into quite a serious hobby/obsession where you can end up spending thousands, there is absolutely nothing wrong with steel frames. But still an expensive bike > an expensive car every day of the week.



« Last Edit: Apr 18, 2019 17:05:00 GMT by Deleted » Back to Top  
barny
God
*****


barny Avatar





[send pm]

Joined: July 2010
Posts: 8,329
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 18, 2019 17:21:46 GMT »
Quote

Plus we can start the Lycra photo thread, where every member of the soapbox can post his own sexy outfits (disclaimer: I don't use it)

Back to Top  

Deleted


Deleted Avatar





[send pm]

Joined: January 1970
Posts: 0
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 18, 2019 17:31:08 GMT via mobile »
Quote

+1 to the Lycra thread

Let’s find out who’s got the biggest todger

Expecting tucker to post the first pic.

Back to Top  
srk
God
*****

member is online

srk Avatar





[send pm]

Joined: July 2010
Posts: 3,781
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 18, 2019 19:29:48 GMT »
Quote

Bravo, tux, for sharing. My wife deals with an anxiety disorder, so I've seen how things like this can really affect people, and I have to agree with baz about the prescriptions. In her case, it seems they work, but she has the habit of thinking she's fine so no longer needs them, which inevitably leads to disaster. Nonetheless, seeking out professional advice is absolutely a good way to go, like everyone else says. You'll be stronger for it.

Regardless, we got your back.

Back to Top  
jp
God
*****

member is online

jp Avatar





[send pm]

Joined: July 2010
Posts: 6,356
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 18, 2019 19:56:57 GMT » -
Quote

this does bode well for tucker's new album though. the best music is always made by people with mental health issues.

Back to Top  
Deleted


Deleted Avatar





[send pm]

Joined: January 1970
Posts: 0
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 18, 2019 20:24:16 GMT »
Quote

Aw man sorry to hear this. There's already been so much wonderful advice that I can't add much other than you know the soapbox is always here for you buddy.


Back to Top  
stocky
God
*****


stocky Avatar





[send pm]

Joined: November 2010
Posts: 838
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 18, 2019 20:50:10 GMT »
Quote

monkeytennis Avatar
but also be careful with the SSRIs they will no doubt prescribe you like they do so easily. They take a while (weeks, months...) to kick in and you need to taper off them really gradually, plus they have lots of negative interactions.


What would you say are the negative interactions of SSRI's Baz?

Been on them for two years now and feel wholly dependent on them. I can only think of two negative interactions tbh
1. incredibly vivid dreams that make you slightly resent sleep
2. it's harder to cum (although this isn't necessarily a bad thing :D )


Back to Top  
danscouse
God
*****


danscouse Avatar


That's just the way I like to roll....


[send pm]

Joined: July 2010
Posts: 1,857
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 18, 2019 23:50:51 GMT via mobile »
Quote

Top man tux, very brave speaking out. Any advice I could offer has already been written by the patrons of soapy.

As a, sort of, aside the whole idea of depression I find to understand....i genuinly would like help understand this....what's the difference between depression and sort of normal upset /grieving etc? Is there a line drawn? Like i watched a really great programme on you tube called jason mcateer "walk through a storm". Now in that he says how he drove through the mersey tunnel and thought about how if he drove into the side "it'd all be over"...now im not suicidal but ive always thought that when i go through it, same as in a multistory etc (think about jumping off). Isnt that a "thing"? Im sure theres even a french word for it?

And i was reading a kid the other day saying he got released from a pro football academy and just stayed in bed for days, and realised he "needed help"....but isn't that just "normal" dissapointment?

Is it something that you can only truly understand if you've felt it?

Back to Top  

I'll see you on the darkside of the moon
stocky
God
*****


stocky Avatar





[send pm]

Joined: November 2010
Posts: 838
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 19, 2019 0:41:28 GMT »
Quote

Yeah man. I think depression is basically prolonged sadness. We all feel sad from time to to time, but depression is more than that. It's prolonged sadness that doesn't leave you alone. If you don't understand the difference between depression and normal upset you're probably on the right side of it and I commend yo for it. Suicidal thoughts will always be the bench mark though and i'm glad tucker has admitted to this because that takes balls to do so.

I agree though, that the line is thin.

Owning your thoughts and being comfortable is key imo. Whatever you think is fine, whatever your circumstance



Back to Top  
Tuckerman
God
*****


Tuckerman Avatar





[send pm]

Joined: February 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,891
 I'm struggling....
« Apr 23, 2019 15:12:53 GMT » -
Quote

Everyone, thanks for the support and kind words.  Sorry it's took a little while to reply and acknowledge.  Had a fairly busy week with a fair bit going on at work then over the Easter Weekend I've had some DIY to do and we've taken the kids for some days out (farms, seasides, etc)  Being occupied really helps.

In terms of what depression is, I don't know.  Don't even know if I am depressed or if it's something else? But if this is depression, then yes, it's like a prolonged feeling of sadness; a worthlessness.  It's hard to see a positive future no matter what the scenario.  You feel like you're letting everyone around you down, even though really, you're probably not.  As for the suicidal thoughts, I think the difference is the feeling of intent.  I've been crossing a bridge before and thought how mad it would be to jump off; how easy it would be, but there wasn't any intent there or desire to actually do it.  From my own experiences that I mentioned in the original post, it's hasn't just been a case of "oh wouldn't that be easy" then moving onto the next though, and that's probably what has scared me the most.

It all comes and goes.  As I say, the last few days have seemed mostly fine but I think that's because I've had things distracting me from myself.  Then again, today, even with stuff occupying me, it's started to creep up on me again.  So, I'm gonna give the kids their tea then take them out for an hour to a park or something.  My missus left for work about an hour ago and the last thing these 2 need is to be stuck in the house with miserable old me.

In terms of next steps, I hate the idea of being dependent on medication so would like to try alternative ways to manage all this.  But, if it turns out that's what's needed then I can get on-board.  I should also really let those close to me know what is going on.  It'll be weird because on the outside, I'm mostly perceived as being happy and easy going, and family-wise, I think there is a bit of expectation that I'm the strong one people can turn to in times of peril.

Again, everyone, thank you x

« Last Edit: Apr 23, 2019 19:18:56 GMT by Tuckerman » Back to Top  

Check oot ma tunes, ey?
soundcloud.com/tommytuckerman
Tuckerman
God
*****


Tuckerman Avatar





[send pm]

Joined: February 2014
Gender: Male
Posts: 1,891
 I'm struggling....
« May 29, 2019 9:34:13 GMT »
Quote

Things felt a bit better for the last week or so.  I'd been hiding some debt from my missus, about £4k spread across 2 credit cards and an overdraft.  I hid it because I know she gets anxious and stressed about debt, but also partly out of shame because some of that debt was accrued during during a period in summer 2017 when I kind of developed a bit of a gambling addiction.  It only lasted 3 or 4 months, and I didn't get so far into a hole that I couldn't get out.  In fact, during the whole time, I probably only ended up a few hundred quid in the red.  Still, I fought through it on my own and it's not a problem anymore.

Anyway, to get to my point, keep the debt covered up was really becoming too much of a weight to carry, and I thought that perhaps that was making me depressed/anxious somehow, even though it didn't feel like it was the cause.  So, I decided to 'fess up.   There was an unholy reckoning, and it got to the point where she was going to leave me.  She classed what I'd done as financial infidelity and said it was worse than cheating, which I thought was a bit extreme, but then who am I to question how it made her feel?  It didn't get to that and we agreed that together, we'd manage our finances better. 

I'll be honest, I was fairly reckless to get to the point I did.  I'd use the credit card here and there, or pay a bill on it and promise myself to pay the balance back, which of course never happened which is why I ended up where I did.  But, I am committed to being more mature financially.  I have to be.

So yeah, the last week or so, things have felt much better.  Then yesterday, she started talking about refinancing a loan we have.  Interest rate is pretty low and it's only got a year and half left on it but she though perhaps we could refinance to pay off the debt I'd told her about so we had more money every month.  I said we could look at it.  She messaged me just this morning saying she's used my details to do a loan eligibility check and that it's only offering high-interest loans and asking: "Is there a reason for that?"  I checked my credit report and I had 2 late payments registered for my phone bill over the last couple of months which is likely the cause.  Told her this and she's flew off the handle again, saying how fucked we are, and how we take 1 steps forward and 10 steps back.  To add a bit of context, we don't struggle currently, even with the debt I did build up and with the loan we're paying.  She only works part-time, and once literally everything is accounted for (bills, shopping, fuel/travel, etc) we still have around £700 a month left.  £700 that is unaccounted for and can be spent on whatever.  Could it be more if we didn't pay money out to loans, and debt? Absolutely.  Are we quite fortunate to still be relatively comfortable financially? I think a thousand times, yes.

I'm now getting to the point where I'm questioning it all.  I don't want to break up my family, and have my kids grow up with parents who are separated, but this seems to be becoming a thing which we just cannot get aligned on.  And in her eyes, it's all my fault.  I'm the failure and I'm the cause of it all.  I don't need that kind of negativity, and my kids certainly don't.  Despite my financial immaturity to date, I am the best parent I can be to my children, and for the most part, I think I'm a good parent.  I think that if we can't get on the same page financially, and it's something we constantly row about, then over time. the environment my kids have to grow up in becomes toxic.  I don't want that.  

She is absolutely slaughtering me in the messages she's sending, saying that I've sabotaged our future and that it's all just a big piss take.  Again, my take on it is that things could be better, but at the same time. we are more than comfortable.  She just doesn't see it that way and just wants more, more, more.  I don't know when enough will ever be enough.

Back to Top  

Check oot ma tunes, ey?
soundcloud.com/tommytuckerman

Quick Reply