Author Topic: I'm struggling.... (Read 966 times)
barny
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« May 29, 2019 12:20:00 GMT »
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If that's the only issue with her (it's never that simple though), I'd swallow my pride and let her say whatever. You have already accepted your fault and even if it's not that important in the bigger picture it's better to say "yes, you're right, i'm a cunt" and slowly pay the debts. Things will get better with your monthly saving and in a while it won't be a problem. For what you say, the daily costs are more than guaranteed and money is not a short term issue.

But I guess it's a all bit more complicated.

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Belligerent Hype Man
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« May 29, 2019 16:07:10 GMT »
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A few hundred in the red but over £4000 of credit card debt? Something doesn't add up and I think you're lying to yourself in terms of how bad it was. I know because I'm speaking from experience. I'm a gambling addict as well, mainly thanks to my weakness to the allure of FOBT's which are a fucking cancer. I make excuses for myself all the time, but sometimes you've just get to man up and admit its worse than you think it is.

I'm not saying that to be mean and I can identify with you. With me I feel like a failure on a daily basis and often feel like the worst parent ever. I look at my son who thinks the world of me and think to myself "you deserve better than me". I've admitted my problem to my wife and sought counselling and every day is a struggle but I'll get there.


I do feel your partner is over-reacting. Addiction is an illness and she needs to know that, it's a daily battle and though I fully understand she's going to be angry but she also needs to be there for you as well. You getting down could lead you to turn to gambling as a release and that's only going to end up one way, the bookie always wins.

I hope it all works out mate and I'm glad you've managed to beat it.

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« May 29, 2019 17:32:44 GMT »
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The debt isn't purely from gambling. It didn't help but I've also just been a bit wreckless. Paying a bill here and there with credit cards, paying for shopping here and there, takeaways, etc. Always with the intention of paying it back but never doing so. I've also used credit cards for business expenses and just never paid them back. All very silly.

When it comes to the gambling side of things, I wasn't spending huge amounts at a time, £10 or £20 here and there with my weakness being slots. And I had a fair bit of luck with some big wins. I'm talking £100 and £200 multiple times. My biggest win was £600.

I legit don't feel like I have a problem with it anymore, and it wasn't a prolonged thing. Sounds stupid but we were stuggling a lot financially and after 1 or 2 decent wins, i was chasing that big win in the hope it would get us back on the right track.

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« May 29, 2019 20:06:05 GMT »
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With me I feel like a failure on a daily basis and often feel like the worst parent ever. I look at my son who thinks the world of me and think to myself "you deserve better than me". 
Re-reading your post, and I can absolutely relate to this.  I've got these 2 innocent little people in my life, who didn't ask to be born into this world, and who rely on me completely.  And yet here I am, fucking up financially and struggling to keep a lid on things mentally.  I can barely hold myself together so how am I meant to give them any sort of hope? It's fucking hard.

I love my kids with every fucking single piece of my heart and soul.  They are the reason I somehow keep going; keep plodding on.  So, to know I'm failing them/have failed them in any sort of way, it's painful and it breaks my heart.

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« May 29, 2019 20:34:18 GMT »
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what site did u win £600 on.

might give it a go meself. :D

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« May 29, 2019 20:47:10 GMT »
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I'd imagine it was either Genie Jackpots or Rainbow Riches. Not sure which site they were on tbh because I exhausted 'em all and ended up self-excluding myself from all the main ones.

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« May 29, 2019 21:16:59 GMT »
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i know it's been joked about on here before but do you think the booze is having a part to play in all this tucker?

you post a lot about what alcohol you've been buying and seem to drink at home a lot. obviously if you're under the influence it can then impact your rationale when it comes to things like finances/gambling etc and mental health in general.

might be worth seeking some help with that side of things if you think it might be an issue and then in turn it may have a positive impact on some of the other stuff.

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« May 29, 2019 21:27:59 GMT »
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i know it's been joked about on here before but do you think the booze is having a part to play in all this tucker?

you post a lot about what alcohol you've been buying and seem to drink at home a lot. obviously if you're under the influence it can then impact your rationale when it comes to things like finances/gambling etc and mental health in general.

might be worth seeking some help with that side of things if you think it might be an issue and then in turn it may have a positive impact on some of the other stuff.
Honestly mate, I don't think so.  I drink far less now than I've ever done.  Sure, I have the odd blowout, normally when I'm away with work, but otherwise, I'm not a massive drinker these days.  It's usually either around the Christmas period when there's loads of surplus, or, on a Saturday or Sunday night when I'll have 4 or 5 beers.  I might post more when I've had a few slurps, maybe that's where the perception is coming from? I dunno, but like I say, I drink less now than I've ever done.

Anyway, this thread a massive help.  I feel like I can bare my soul without any real judgement from anyone.  I'm having a hard time and I don't mind letting the patrons of The Soapbox know it.  A lot of you have seen me at my worst and come through it which is what I intend to do here.

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« May 30, 2019 5:54:39 GMT via mobile » -
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I don’t get why people even bother with credit cards. I’ve hardly ever used one and was able to own my first 4 bedroom home aged 29.

This whole “oh you need a credit card to prove that your credit rating is sound you know” is fucking bullshit, and no matter how big or small the spend is, using a credit card is simply burying your head in the sand.

Bin the credit card tucker. Get a debit card without an overdraft, and you’ll be fine. I’ve used a credit card 3 times in my entire life. The payment notifications through the post annoyed me 3 times too many and that was enough to deter me for life.

Once you’ve done this, it’s time for you to develop a new addiction. SAVINGS. £700 a month is pretty healthy, why can’t next month turn into £720 though? Why can’t the month after turn into £740. Let this become your new addiction, your misses will then see you turning into a financial god, you’ll then become the financial authority of tucker hill.

The joy you’ve experienced from gambling, flip it on its head, look for quick wins through saving, and experience the same joy, eventually, spend a little bit of cash on your house, spend a little bit extra on the mortgage and watch your equity rise. The tucker empire starts now.





« Last Edit: May 30, 2019 6:02:03 GMT by Deleted » Back to Top  
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« May 30, 2019 8:28:15 GMT »
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Not sure we're gonna get past this tbh.  She's struggling to understand why I'd be so stupid financially; why I'd jeopardize the future of our kids more so than anything.  I think her trust is completely broken and she is repeatedly telling me: "I don't know what to do" and "I don't know if I can go on like this."  It's all just one big mess that I am responsible for alone. 

To think of a future where I'm not in my kids' life everyday, getting up with them on a morning and putting them to bed in a night, that really tears me apart.  I know I've been stupid, immature, wreckless, but it's no lie when I tell her that those kids are literally my everything.  I guess I can see why it would be hard to understand when they weren't my first thought when doing all this stupid shite, and it's something I am trying to get my head around myself.

I really don't know how all this is going to pan out.

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« May 30, 2019 8:37:34 GMT »
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Tucker think you should bite bullet and have a few ultra frugal months and spend another £500 paying off debts.

Sell some shit on ebay/car boots and try to live off that if you can. Like Gary said. watching your savings increase is enjoyable and watching bank balance increase every month just gives you a little lift. Not even the materialistic aspect, just that it demonstrates you've got your shit together.

When you've paid the credit card off just cut it up. That new barclay card (i think) advert with Simon Cowell SHOULD have been a massive own goal, that new app which lets you 'save' lots of money just shows how much they cost. Think how much rum you could buy with the money saved instead of feathering the nest of some plutocrat in a tax haven.

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« May 30, 2019 8:57:01 GMT via mobile »
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Sorry to hear things are shit, tucker.

I can't see how you'd lose your kids if the worse happened and you split - admittedly I know nowt about the justice system but surely a few debts shouldn't amount to losing custody of children? Sounds like you're the breadwinner if anything. Although must admit was told a really shit story from the bloke I bought my caravan off at the time; he was living the dream (after living life in the doledrums) after setting up his own towing business but it all came crashing down when his wife had an affair. He was forced to split everything despite the fact she'd fucked up his life so he told the judge to 'fuck off' in court and basically lost everything including custody of the young uns. All because SHE had the affair! He said his Mancunian side got the better of him but I don't blame him, it's a bunch of squares in suits who failed him. Moral of the story: don't tell the judge to fuck off and you'll always have your sprogs. I do also think your other half is overreacting so maybe YOU should start to question shit? I still haven't paid any money back for the one year stint I did at uni - doubt I ever will, and it's debt, but it shouldn't make or break a relationship.

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« May 30, 2019 9:06:29 GMT » -
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Not sure we're gonna get past this tbh.  She's struggling to understand why I'd be so stupid financially; why I'd jeopardize the future of our kids more so than anything.  I think her trust is completely broken and she is repeatedly telling me: "I don't know what to do" and "I don't know if I can go on like this."  It's all just one big mess that I am responsible for alone. 

To think of a future where I'm not in my kids' life everyday, getting up with them on a morning and putting them to bed in a night, that really tears me apart.  I know I've been stupid, immature, wreckless, but it's no lie when I tell her that those kids are literally my everything.  I guess I can see why it would be hard to understand when they weren't my first thought when doing all this stupid shite, and it's something I am trying to get my head around myself.

I really don't know how all this is going to pan out.


Have you told your missus this? She's probably thinking you're doing all this as way of rejecting her and the family life. Some reassurance you're committed, know you made mistakes and want to do better might go along way.

Also, please ignore Sully.




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« May 30, 2019 9:17:19 GMT via mobile »
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Better than your half arsed generic reply. His marriage sounds it's on the ropes and he's worried about losing his kids so best to avoid the auto response, mate. Also from what I gather Tucks no longer has a gambling addiction? Just sounds past errors which he hasn't yet paid off. This could be a big factor for so feeling so down though, subconscious guilt etc. Its understandable your partner is miffed but ultimately she needs to be there for you.

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« May 30, 2019 9:20:51 GMT »
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Not sure we're gonna get past this tbh.  She's struggling to understand why I'd be so stupid financially; why I'd jeopardize the future of our kids more so than anything.  I think her trust is completely broken and she is repeatedly telling me: "I don't know what to do" and "I don't know if I can go on like this."  It's all just one big mess that I am responsible for alone. 

To think of a future where I'm not in my kids' life everyday, getting up with them on a morning and putting them to bed in a night, that really tears me apart.  I know I've been stupid, immature, wreckless, but it's no lie when I tell her that those kids are literally my everything.  I guess I can see why it would be hard to understand when they weren't my first thought when doing all this stupid shite, and it's something I am trying to get my head around myself.

I really don't know how all this is going to pan out.
Have you told your missus this? She's probably thinking you're doing all this as way of rejecting her and the family life. Some reassurance you're committed, know you made mistakes and want to do better might go along way.

Also, please ignore Sully.


I have  :'(

She can't get over the lies.  When we had a bit of a reckoning the other weekend, she said she'd take no more lies.  Then she finds out this week that I had a couple of late payments on my phone bill (not intentional of course, it's just easy to do when you're not paying by Direct Debit) which will temporarily hinder my credit report.  To her, that's another huge lie.  Why didn't I tell her when she was mentioning re-financing our loan? Why let her have false hope? The truth of it is, I didn't think late payments were that damaging, and it's impact would lessen after a couple of months.

She thinks I'm intentionally sabotaging everything as a means of getting rid of her, which is absolutely beyond ridiculous.  But then again, perhaps if I take a step back, I can see why she'd perceive it that way. 

She just seems not to be able to get over this.  I've told her how sorry I am.  I've said we'll get a joint bank account so she can have equal control of the finances.  I've said I'll go get whatever professional help or counselling might be available, just to make sure I am not completely fucked in the head.  But none of it seems good enough.  It's all just a big mess, really.  I even said to her than as much as it's not what I want, if this really is all unforgivable, then I'll make sure that her and the kids wouldn't suffer financially because of me.  That I'd be the one who'd take the hit and that I'd move back home and pay my parents whatever they wanted for me to live there, and then that the rest of the money would be theirs.  But even that was spun as: "oh so you're taking the easy way out" when all I was trying to do was reassure her that, if we can't get beyond this, I don't want them to suffer.



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« May 30, 2019 9:26:21 GMT »
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May 30, 2019 8:57:01 GMT @sullycinnamon said:
Sorry to hear things are shit, tucker.

I can't see how you'd lose your kids if the worse happened and you split - admittedly I know nowt about the justice system but surely a few debts shouldn't amount to losing custody of children? Sounds like you're the breadwinner if anything. Although must admit was told a really shit story from the bloke I bought my caravan off at the time; he was living the dream (after living life in the doledrums) after setting up his own towing business but it all came crashing down when his wife had an affair. He was forced to split everything despite the fact she'd fucked up his life so he told the judge to 'fuck off' in court and basically lost everything including custody of the young uns. All because SHE had the affair! He said his Mancunian side got the better of him but I don't blame him, it's a bunch of squares in suits who failed him. Moral of the story: don't tell the judge to fuck off and you'll always have your sprogs. I do also think your other half is overreacting so maybe YOU should start to question shit? I still haven't paid any money back for the one year stint I did at uni - doubt I ever will, and it's debt, but it shouldn't make or break a relationship.
it's so much that I'd lose them, but for the past 4 and some years, they've been the centre of my world.  My missus works unsociable hours (works out better for childcare through the day and means they can always be with one of us) so I'm the one who gets in on a night, plays with them, settles them down, does the bedtime routing, and then I'm the one up on a morning with them, giving them breakfast, getting my daughter ready for nursery, entertaining my littlest and making sure he isn't doing Swanton Bombs off the Kallax (it's an Ikea thing, look it up)  To suddenly not have that stuff going on and being a part of my life, to essentially stop being their Dad as much I am today, would cripple me.  Yes it's hard work, and it's stressful, but I wouldn't want it any other way.

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« May 30, 2019 10:24:34 GMT »
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Have you told your missus this? She's probably thinking you're doing all this as way of rejecting her and the family life. Some reassurance you're committed, know you made mistakes and want to do better might go along way.

Also, please ignore Sully.


She thinks I'm intentionally sabotaging everything as a means of getting rid of her, which is absolutely beyond ridiculous.  But then again, perhaps if I take a step back, I can see why she'd perceive it that way. 

My wife is the same mate and some times it is just irrational tbh. Means I've probably had to be more transparent than I would have liked in the early days but it's good in the long run. Occasionally had to lose arguments when I've felt I'm in the right which is annoying but ultimately good for the balance of our relationship and my life. As has been spoken about before, it's great to get to a point where you're open, saving, healthy, positive etc. Hangovers, drugs, gambling, shit food etc is alright in moderation but ultimately it's all bollox when you're our age and mostly leads to negative places. Most people are undoubtedly utter idiots as well. Investing in yourself and your family is the best thing to do.

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« Last Edit: May 30, 2019 10:28:16 GMT by Benoît Assou-Ekotto » Back to Top  

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« May 30, 2019 10:54:21 GMT »
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I really don't think she can get over the fact that I couldn't just be completely honest with her to start with.  It feels like any trust she had has been smashed into a million pieces and I'm not sure how I fix that.  I can be open and honest and share, but for her, she is always going to wonder "is there something he might not be telling me here" - there's always going to be that niggle, or at least that's how she's making it seem. 

Like I said, I've offered to go and get some sort of counselling or mental help, because maybe I am just a little bit fucked up.  If that's the case, then I want to fix it, not runaway from it and ignore it.  But that also isn't good enough because to her, it means I can't be open and honest and trustworthy of my own free will, and if that's the case, then she's telling me she doesn't see the point because it means I want to lie and be deceitful.

I'm putting up my best fight to salvage something but I have to be honest fellas, I feel like I'm on the ropes a little and that the knockout blow is coming.




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« May 30, 2019 12:18:40 GMT »
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I believe the worst has already passed tbh, she might be overreacting (or not) but time will surely help anyway. Just follow the advices that have been given to increase savings and everything will be better in a couple weeks.

A powerful counselor like the Ax-man should be publicly available, people's life would be much better from the get-go.

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« May 30, 2019 12:57:26 GMT »
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Tucker, it seems like your missus is being a tad unreasonable here. Yeah, you got yourself into a less than desireable position financially, but having £4k on credit cards isn't that daunting a prospect, especially as you seem to be in a relatively stable financial position in general. As mentioned previously, a little bit of frugality for a period will help you eat through that debt faster than you'll think.

And it's also understandable that she would be upset at you covering this up and lying to her about it, however, her apparent lack of empathy for you situation, or understanding of the underlining issues are a bit worrying. If she genuinely thinks that your offer for counciling is a way for you to cop out or avoid your responsibility, that's a bit worrying. Could it well be that you're not communicating this to her correctly? However, if she genuinely can't get over the 'lying' despite your conciliatory gestures, the amatuer Freud in me think's there might be some other latent issues at play somewhere?

Could your missus be projecting some of her own guilt on you? Is she really just terrified of losing you? Is she having an affair? Does she suspect you might be having an affair? You've mentioned previously that your work pattenrs mean you don't get to spend a lot of quality time together and also that your missus has had some mental health issues of late aswell, is the marriage of these things, along with her discovery of your 'deceipt' around the credit card situation, leading her to think that you might be hiding things in other area's of your life?

« Last Edit: May 30, 2019 12:58:20 GMT by krburg » Back to Top  


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