Author Topic: I'm struggling.... (Read 964 times)
Tuckerman
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 I'm struggling....
« May 30, 2019 13:39:33 GMT »
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Tucker, it seems like your missus is being a tad unreasonable here. Yeah, you got yourself into a less than desireable position financially, but having £4k on credit cards isn't that daunting a prospect, especially as you seem to be in a relatively stable financial position in general. As mentioned previously, a little bit of frugality for a period will help you eat through that debt faster than you'll think.

And it's also understandable that she would be upset at you covering this up and lying to her about it, however, her apparent lack of empathy for you situation, or understanding of the underlining issues are a bit worrying. If she genuinely thinks that your offer for counciling is a way for you to cop out or avoid your responsibility, that's a bit worrying. Could it well be that you're not communicating this to her correctly? However, if she genuinely can't get over the 'lying' despite your conciliatory gestures, the amatuer Freud in me think's there might be some other latent issues at play somewhere?

Could your missus be projecting some of her own guilt on you? Is she really just terrified of losing you? Is she having an affair? Does she suspect you might be having an affair? You've mentioned previously that your work pattenrs mean you don't get to spend a lot of quality time together and also that your missus has had some mental health issues of late aswell, is the marriage of these things, along with her discovery of your 'deceipt' around the credit card situation, leading her to think that you might be hiding things in other area's of your life?
I don't know anymore.  When we were at loggerheads the weekend before last, when it all came out, she definitely seemed to be hinting that she thought something "odd" could be going on.  She said something along the lines of: "How do I know that you're not taking days off work without me knowing at doing other things" as well as "Maybe you're spending money in restaurants that you don't want me knowing about".  Sure, I've bought an occasional McDonalds or KFC at work (hard to resist the urge sometimes, they're both only about 5 minutes away) and not told her, but that's really just because it's not newsworthy.  I don't expect to know what money she's spent on some lunch, or a coffee here and there.  So perhaps there is some insecurity there. 

It would be pretty impossible for me to hide other things in other areas of my life, really.  I literally go to work, come home, be a Dad.  That's the cycle Mon-Fri.  Then Saturday & Sunday, we're together.  I barely ever socialize so I'm not sure where she thinks I might be doing things I need to hide.  But I've obviously breached her trust and she's having a hard time with that.  Maybe, as barny says, with time she'll come around but it's not the feeling I get right now.

Oh, and yeah, I'm honestly a bit surprised by her lack of understanding.  I've laid myself bare (not a pretty image to behold) and admitted I have completely fucked up, that maybe there is some deep, underlying issue and that maybe I should seek some help.  I've said I want to figure out if that is indeed the case, and that I don't want to run away from it, but then it all just comes back to: "Oh so you can't choose to not lie or hide things" and we go round in circles.  I think she probably wants access to my online banking to look at everything, which tbh, makes me a little uncomfortable.  Not that I've got anything major to hide but having her look back over statements from the last however many years and scrutinize every penny I've ever spent doesn't seem like a very healthy way to move forward.  But of course, she'll just see it that I've got something to hide.

Anyway, we'll see how it all plays out I guess.  Thanks everyone for reading and offering your advice and thoughts.  It's counsel which I can't really get in the real world because since becoming a family man, I've unfortunately lost contact with some of my closest friends so I've nobody really to turn to.  And if anything, at least this thread has got people posting a bit more.  Every cloud.


We were meant to be getting a joint bank account for us both to run and tackle the finances as a team, and it's something I am totally cool with.  That way, she would have full visibility on what I am or am not spending.  Even that doesn't seem enough now.

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« May 30, 2019 14:18:02 GMT »
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Yep, so as I suspected, to move past this she apparently wants full transparency and access to everything (online banking, online logins for credit cards, etc) which I do not think is the right approach.  I won't waste my time telling her this though, because of course, that's just me hiding stuff.


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« May 30, 2019 15:36:34 GMT via mobile »
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A controlling paranoid lover knowing your every move or the crux to saving the relationship? Time for YOU to decide. Texts cost £1 plus your standard network charge.

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« May 30, 2019 15:48:50 GMT via mobile »
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Does she want your soapy login details?

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« May 30, 2019 16:06:36 GMT »
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Does she want your soapy login details?
Fuck no :-X  The only other person who'll get them is my son if this place is still kicking around in 15 years.

I told her I don't think it's healthy, but whatever.  She's been reading about "financial infidelity" on places like Mumsnet and apparently this is a common recovery method.  Balls in her court now, she'll get to see the explicit nature of my spending and how she reacts to stuff will define our future.  By explicit nature of my spending, I mean £1, £2 here and there while at work on coffees, or in Sainsburys or in Greggs.  No doubt that will become a huge thing.

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« May 30, 2019 17:17:22 GMT via mobile »
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Looking at it from her side I do think refusal to commit to this looks a bit dodgy. Its not that big a deal imho.

Also with her hovering it could help you curb the recklessness you admit to.

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On the doorstep [Siouxsie] asks me whether right or left would be the best direction to find a taxi, and although her best bet would be left, I suggest she turns right. It is churlish of me, but it is she who has set the pace.
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« May 30, 2019 18:50:33 GMT via mobile »
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Looking at it from her side I do think refusal to commit to this looks a bit dodgy. Its not that big a deal imho.

Also with her hovering it could help you curb the recklessness you admit to.



Agree to a certain point. I'm still not sure the scrutiny that is surely to follow id healthy, nor would it be for any relationship. I don't need to be expected to give details on what I spent £4.31 on at Sainsburys in July 2017. Or why I spent £5 in KFC last summer.

I'd already agreed to a joint account so she has equal control and visibility, and in the last couple of months, I've started to stop wasting money on coffee at work, or eating out. Instead I've been drinking instant coffee from the kitchen and taking lunch.

Honestly, it might be good for me to have a line drawn under all this, no matter how things turn out.

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« May 30, 2019 20:14:01 GMT via mobile »
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fuck living in a world where a stealth KFC could end up in you losing your entire life tuck, what the fuck.



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« May 30, 2019 20:18:53 GMT via mobile »
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Ax is speaking the phenomenal truth in this thread. He should be charging for this kinda advice

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« May 30, 2019 20:26:01 GMT »
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fuck living in a world where a stealth KFC could end up in you losing your entire life tuck, what the fuck.

At this point, I don't know what to expect anymore tbh. Perhaps there won't be any scrutiny and she is just concerned that something more sinister is going on.



But yeah, Ax speaking a lot of sense for once is nice. Very impressed you had you're own 4 bedder by 29. Stuff of dreams that.


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« May 30, 2019 21:05:28 GMT »
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Tux, have you thought about speaking to a group like StepChange or the Money Advice Service? It doesn't sound like the debt is a huge problem but it might be worth giving them a shout, and making sure your Mrs is with you so she knows exactly what your options are to sort things out.

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« May 30, 2019 22:22:33 GMT via mobile »
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fuck living in a world where a stealth KFC could end up in you losing your entire life tuck, what the fuck.

At this point, I don't know what to expect anymore tbh. Perhaps there won't be any scrutiny and she is just concerned that something more sinister is going on.



But yeah, Ax speaking a lot of sense for once is nice. Very impressed you had you're own 4 bedder by 29. Stuff of dreams that.


Tbf Gary comes from the north end of liverpool. Scrabble down the back of your sofa and youd probably find enough to buy your own.


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On the doorstep [Siouxsie] asks me whether right or left would be the best direction to find a taxi, and although her best bet would be left, I suggest she turns right. It is churlish of me, but it is she who has set the pace.
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« May 31, 2019 6:04:56 GMT via mobile »
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fuck living in a world where a stealth KFC could end up in you losing your entire life tuck, what the fuck.

At this point, I don't know what to expect anymore tbh. Perhaps there won't be any scrutiny and she is just concerned that something more sinister is going on.



But yeah, Ax speaking a lot of sense for once is nice. Very impressed you had you're own 4 bedder by 29. Stuff of dreams that.


Thanks for the kind words tuck, it’s not the stuff of dreams though mate, it’s simple planning. You’ve already mentioned that you’ve got £700 to play around with every month, realise that this is an achievement, and use this as a springboard for future success. There’s really no reason why you shouldn’t be aiming to double this amount through careful planning. This means:

1) £700 quid a month on KFC, WIFE, KIDS, BRAZZERS, STRIPPERS AND BEER.

2) £700 quid a month in savings x 5 years = £42,000 = a mansion in the Scottish Hebrides.

Aim high, and fail sometimes, but implement a red line. Your red line could be £200 in one shitty god awful month. What’s this you say, you’ve had 3 shitty months? No problem tucker, you’ve still matched your biggest ever slot machine win. It’s all about rhythm and being slightly dedicated, it’s nothing to do with dreams mate.

It’s time to turn into “Tucker the spreadsheet”. Allow the spreadsheet to become the new slot machine. Do it tuck.


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« May 31, 2019 8:47:19 GMT »
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At this point, I don't know what to expect anymore tbh. Perhaps there won't be any scrutiny and she is just concerned that something more sinister is going on.



But yeah, Ax speaking a lot of sense for once is nice. Very impressed you had you're own 4 bedder by 29. Stuff of dreams that.
Thanks for the kind words tuck, it’s not the stuff of dreams though mate, it’s simple planning. You’ve already mentioned that you’ve got £700 to play around with every month, realise that this is an achievement, and use this as a springboard for future success. There’s really no reason why you shouldn’t be aiming to double this amount through careful planning. This means:

1) £700 quid a month on KFC, WIFE, KIDS, BRAZZERS, STRIPPERS AND BEER.

2) £700 quid a month in savings x 5 years = £42,000 = a mansion in the Scottish Hebrides.

Aim high, and fail sometimes, but implement a red line. Your red line could be £200 in one shitty god awful month. What’s this you say, you’ve had 3 shitty months? No problem tucker, you’ve still matched your biggest ever slot machine win. It’s all about rhythm and being slightly dedicated, it’s nothing to do with dreams mate.

It’s time to turn into “Tucker the spreadsheet”. Allow the spreadsheet to become the new slot machine. Do it tuck.
It's solid advice, Ax.  Not sure we're at the point where we can be so frugal as to save a whole £700 each month, mainly 'cos we've got 2 growing kids who need new clothes quite often due to the changing of the seasons and the fact that they are actually growing.  Last summers clothes are no good for them and neither will last winters be.  But yeah, of course, the aim has to be to save as much as possible and not just fucking waste it on absolute bollocks which is something we're both guilty of.




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« May 31, 2019 9:17:47 GMT »
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At this point, I don't know what to expect anymore tbh. Perhaps there won't be any scrutiny and she is just concerned that something more sinister is going on.



But yeah, Ax speaking a lot of sense for once is nice. Very impressed you had you're own 4 bedder by 29. Stuff of dreams that.

1) £700 quid a month on KFC, WIFE, KIDS, BRAZZERS, STRIPPERS AND BEER.

2) £700 quid a month in savings x 5 years = £42,000 = a mansion in the Scottish Hebrides.

#1 please, Cilla, all in a camping pod at #2

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« May 31, 2019 11:42:50 GMT »
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Tucker, it's evident that your missus thinks you're having an affair or something. It doesn't sound like she's going to be harranguing you for having the odd KFC or whatever, she clearly suspects there's something else afoot.

« Last Edit: May 31, 2019 11:43:24 GMT by krburg » Back to Top  

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« May 31, 2019 11:56:27 GMT »
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It does seem that way. Ah well, she'll be in for a pleasant surprise then.

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« May 31, 2019 11:58:57 GMT » -
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Also, I would suggest as a comprimise, she can look through your shit, if she agrees to get off mumsnet. That thing is a cancerous hive of utter vermin.

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« May 31, 2019 12:17:13 GMT »
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Sometimes relationships just consist of accepting unreasonable requests for the greater good.

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« May 31, 2019 12:18:56 GMT via mobile »
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Times like this that you wish you'd stayed with Steph eh?

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