Tales From The Middle Of Nowhere (Vol.2)

you hate yourself. I knew it

Stop copying me Tobey. It's makes baby jesus cry.

"Yes droogs.

Just a quick one. Not much to report as, well, nothing's happened.

I just want to share with you something that happened to me in a clothes shop today in NYC.

So… I'm out shopping. Not looking for anything in particular. Just killing time. Enjoying the weather. (Very pleasant. Almost spring-like.)

I'm in some shop or other not showing much interest in the merchandise and the usual scenario starts to unfold. You know the one?

Shop assistant: "Hi… Can I help you with anything today?"

Me: "Erm… No thanks… I'm just looking."

(SO FAR, SO GOOD.)

Shop assistant: “Are you looking for anything in particular… A jacket? Some jeans? A sweater?”

Me: "… No thanks… I'm just looking."

Shop assistant: "How about these sneakers? These are really cool."

Me: "………" (Just a little stare.)

Shop assistant: "What size are you?"

Me: "40, if you must know."

Shop assistant: "Great, I'll go get you a pair."

Now at this point I would ordinarily wait 'til this idiot had wafted behind the curtain and leg it, but for some unknown reason I sat on a little leather stool and waited… and waited.

Just as I'm about to walk out he re-appears box in hand.

Shop assistant: "Here you go."

Me: "Thanks."

So, as luck would have it, they were too big. (Are my bastard feet shrinking now??)

Me: "Sorry mate, they're too big."

Shop assistant: "What? Really? The 40 is too big? Really?"

Me: "Really."

Then - with a straight face (and I'm not joking) - he said this...

"You know… Baggy shoes are very popular right now."

!!!!!!!!!!!

Me: "………" (Just a little stare.)

UN-FUCKIN-BELIEVABLE.

Now… I'm gonna be out of the game until Wednesday / Thursday. Some of my mates are in town and it's probably gonna get pretty messy.

In a bit.

GD."

That was funny TO BE FAIR.

"Yes comrades… What up?

Well, they were 2 great nights at the Beacon in NYC. Yet another beautiful old theatre. Really stunning. Met some wildly enthusiastic fans. One or two were very intense. Someone actually squeezed my arm so much it fuckin' hurt!!

I met people from all over the blimmin' world and was introduced to a little dog called "NOEL", who had been "…named after you, man!!!!!!", the owner said by shouting at me… (Hmm… Thanks for that).

There was also a proper young lad down the front at one of the shows; I swear he couldn't have been more than 10 years old!! He was waving a little placard that said simply, "DREAM ON NOEL". I hope he was accompanied by a responsible adult.

Didn't get that messy in the end. My party wings have been well and truly clipped by this singing malarky… singing's rubbish!!!!

Landed at LAX last night and was pounced upon by one of those TV crews that hound celebrities. Not that I consider myself one of those types, but you know the kind of thing I'm on about, right?

Anyway, this tool was persisting in asking me silly questions. Here's an example…

“Do you like LA? What do you think of Katie Holmes? Did she give you the cold shoulder? What do you think of Tom Cruise???”

(For the record I FUCKIN' LOVE Tom Cruise.)

“What do you think of Scientology?” And bizarrely… “What do you think of Morrissey?... Is he the greatest ‘Man-chew-nion’ ever?”

Also, for the record, Frank Sidebottom is the greatest Mancunian ever.

I'm currently back at what has become a very familiar residence for me of late. I spent the best part of three months here while I was recording and mixing the HFB album. I met royalty here!! The King of Tonga, no less!!! An actual King!!! Have I told you this story?? It's too long to go into here, but I've dined out on it regularly.

The sun is shining. All is good.

See you at the gigs, if you're coming. They're at the Royce Hall. I'm on at 9. Do not be late.

In a bit.

GD."

"Yes comrades…

The Royce Hall was / is yet another stunning theatre type thing on the UCLA campus. Two pretty good nights. Strange crowd though. Quite lively the first night, and dead as Dodos the 2nd!!! Why is that? Fuck knows… Very odd though.

Did some interview with CBS Morning News… saying that, it could've been NBC Morning News. Dunno, can't remember. I'd be amazed if either of their viewership had a clue who I was. The interviewer went by the name of Ben Tracy… Ben Tracy?? Wasn't he in the Thunderbirds? He did have some bloody good questions though (that's not sarcasm, by the way).

Was good to be back in Los Angeles. I've grown to love that place. I used to hate it. Didn't get it for years, I like it now though… A sure sign one is getting older, I guess!!

Now, I don't know whether you've seen a story that's doing the rounds about me being offered the job of penning the tune for the new James Bond film? Apparently I'm being courted by "007 bosses"!!!!! A meeting will be "taking place in the next few days"!!!! With some guy called "Michael G. Wilson" (whoever he is)!!! A "source" says, "nothing has been signed or made official"!!!! Of course it fuckin' hasn't!!!!!! Who IS this fuckin' "source"? Has he been on the "sauce"? Bizarre indeed.

You currently find me in San Francisco. Just soundchecked at the Orpheum Theatre.

It's the last night of this particular leg of this particular American tour. Flying home tomorrow. Can't wait. There's shit going on back there and I need to be getting involved in it.

In a bit.

GD."

TBF He or his management probably asked his mate Gordon to plant the story in the hope of hyping up his chances of getting the 007 gig.

Cheers for sticking these up btw. Can't get em on my phone for some reason and it tends to do my heads in.

"Yes comrades…

So, where were we?

That last gig in San Francisco was mega. It might even have been the best one so far!! Almighty atmosphere. Thanks to everyone for coming out.

Been back in TCOTU the last few days. Great to see The Mighty I… Bunny Dread… Irie Nancy and that blimmin' cat.

Jet lag's a killer though. Was up at 4am every night since I got back. Been catching up on the football though so every cloud, eh?

Did that Jools Holland programme for the 1st time in 16 years last Tuesday… SIXTEEN YEARS!!!!! That's outrageous, I cannot believe it's been that long. We was on with them Red Hot Chili Peppers, Bjork and a load of other people I'd never heard of. It was good though. I enjoyed being back.

You find me in Madrid. Dunno what this hotel is called but it's very modern and very hi-tech. Had to get a guy to come up to my room last night to show me how to work the fuckin' remote control for the bastard telly!!! Don't laugh, you would've struggled with it too.

Some fans outside the hotel before were not much older than my 11 year old daughter!! Proper kids… A bit disconcerting to say the least.

In a bit.

GD."

I THINK that Nark will find that they played Jools in 2000:

Dwayne is trying to forget the time they played in 2000 as he was massively OWNED by Liam when introducing My Generation.

LEEEEE UM! LEEEEE UM! LEEEEE UM!

(uninteresting note 'LEEEE' gets no red squiggle 'LEEEEEE' does, weird eh?!)

Does that mean it's another massive win for team BDI?

"So… the gig in Madrid?

Bar some fuckin' annoying technical difficulties it was great. Really great. Couldn't have been anyone in the crowd over 25!! Sang their blimmin' hearts out, they did.

So we're on the way to Milan today. Got a mega day off lined up. Man City play Liverpool this evening. My people in Milan have sorted out somewhere to watch it live. Should be a laugh. Got a few Liverpool supporters on the firm so it's given it a bit more spice than usual. Been a bit of bravado from the Scousers. So much so that my bass player (a Scouser) has bet my security guard (a righteous super blue) that Liverpool win. And the bet? A coffee and a biscuit!!!!! Coffee and a biscuit??? Fuck me…

Now, the gig then? Well as luck would have it none other than Paul McCartney is playing in Milan tonight!! What a result.

This has the makings of a great, great day. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow...

In a bit.

GD"

"Yes comrades… where were we?

The match? Well, it ended in a draw. A fair result in the end. We should have won it, but on the other hand we could have lost it.

The Scousers on the firm were getting a bit too vocal about it for my liking, then again there was a coffee AND a biscuit riding on it so I understand their anxiety!!

Mario had a mad 20 minutes. He came, he saw, he ran around a bit, he got sent off!!! Par for the course with that lad. We still love him though. Well done to the boys for seeing it through.

From there we went straight to some arena or other to see Paul McCartney. Somewhat predictably he was mega… as always. He's got ALL the tunes, innit!!! Actually managed to get to say hello to him before the show!! What a treat. I'm like a small boy when shit like that happens. And he's a true gentleman. The fuckin' daddy!

And to the gig… my gig. Just got back from it actually. A special night. These Italian kids really do know how to get the hairs on your neck to stand up. And they ARE just kids, most of 'em. I don't mind telling you it got a bit emotional in places. Birds crying, and that!! Didn't make for the best singing I've ever done but… y'know, I apologise for that. Just my blimmin' luck it was going out LIVE on TV… Bugger… Oh well… It was a great night, all the same.

Off to Amsterdam tomorrow. A day off. Now there was a time when that was a recipe for Armageddon. Gladly those days are well behind us (I say "us", what I mean is "me").

Them Dutch are a bit more reserved. Or are they just shit-faced on some psychedelic greenery, or other? A bit of both, I expect.

Anyway, gotta go… Arrivederci, as the natives say.

In a bit.

GD"

What's 'GD'? :/

Green Day

Gestational Diabetes

VERY MATURE GUYS