Tales From The Middle Of Nowhere (Vol.2)

Looking forward to this gig tonight. I recognised the theatre. Not sure what it's called but I remember it being the scene of one of the best ever Oasis gigs. Not sure what era. That Swedish band The Soundtrack Of Our Lives were playing with us and we were both on fire that night!!! We fucking crushed it big time.

So..comrades.

Where were we? San Diego? Strange place. Nice place. Very hot. Not much else to say about it really. It was an in and out job. The gig was a bit . . . a bit . . . a bit . . . I'm searching for a word here and I can't find it . . . a bit meh? That's what you young people say innit? Not earth shattering. Not shit. Just dull. Now that could be due to the crowd seemingly being a visibly older crowd than what we're being used to dunno . . . any way I've said too much we should move on.



Before I forget though I must give a shout out to the girls with the "jesters of malice” sign. It does give me a little chuckle that gear . . . and the Dalai Lama who was in town but sadly never came to the show (miserable little Buddhist monkey man!!!!) . . . anyway ENOUGH!!!!!!

Over-nighted it to Phoenix, Arizona after that. Now that place is fucking HOT,HOT,HOT!!! 95°F . . . lovely. Gig was pretty much the same as the night before. Uneventful in the extreme . . . apart from one fucking guy who kept shouting out at the top of his voice . . . "YOU'VE MADE IT MAN . . . YOU'VE CRACKED AMERICA MAAAAN!!!!" A quick glance up at the smattering of empty seats in the balcony would suggest otherwise I thought . . . but thanks anyway MAAAAN!!!

Legged it double early the next a.m. back to L.A. Iree Nancy, the Mighty I and Bunny Dread are on holiday there see? Had a nice day off at the funfair yesterday. I won a Smurf (not a real one) for the Mighty I by smashing fuck out of some frogs on the head with a mallet (again not real one's).

You currently find me at LAX waiting to board a flight to one of my most favourite places . . . . . .

LAS VEGAS!!!!!

ONWARDS.

GD.

That's what you young people say innit? [/youtube]

Young people? Who does he think is reading it? What a strange man.

Not earth shattering. Not shit. Just dull.

Yes comrades, it’s been a while eh? Lots to tell so let's go all the way back to Vegas.

That day was a fucking nightmare. Iree Nancy and our 2 princes had arrived in Los Angeles for a little holiday so I decided to fly to Vegas on the day of the gig. Not something one would ordinarily do as it can be fraught with danger. So . . . got to the airport on time, checked in and all that, sat around for 2 bastard hours until some cunt announced that the flight had been cancelled!! Not to worry though thought I, we still have plenty of time. We'll just get the next one . . . can't we?? Nah . . . the next one was fully booked leaving me stranded!! Had to negotiate trying to get my bags OFF the airplane that had been cancelled only to be told that they'd already been booked on to the flight after that!!! So . . . had to leave my bags at LAX and hire a car to drive me 6 BASTARD HOURS through the desert to try and make the gig! The scenery was incredible and I did get to stop at a Burger King (I ain't been in one of those joints for YEARS!) which was nice . . . on't tell the wife though! Was supposed to be onstage at 9pm. Didn't arrive until 9:35. Walked straight in and onstage at 9:40!! Felt like Elvis . . . that may have been the burger though?!?! Great gig. Lot's of Brits, so it was a good laugh. There was a few roly-poly's in from Yorkshire. I know that because they kept chanting "YORKSHIRE,YORKSHIRE.." at every available opportunity. I bet their ex-wives would've been most proud!!!

Up early the next morning to drive 6 hours the other way back to the Coachella Festival again.They have it on twice now see? By the time we got there it was 114 degrees!!!!!! ONE HUNDRED AND FOURTEEN DEGREES!!!!!!! Holy fucking shit balls?

The gig went pretty much the same as the previous weekend. The night itself followed pretty much the same pattern. Not as chaotic but right up there all the same.

Drove back to LA the next day not feeling great. Spent the day discussing what we could remember about the night before which in my case was virtually nothing. Good job Nancy had her shit together or it could well have been consigned to the dustbin.

The next day I had a video shoot for my new single. That'll be the 5th off this album which is unprecedented in all my time making records. This album is fast becoming my "Thriller"!! I played the part of a slightly hungover grumpy northern taxi driver which is just as well as that's exactly what I felt like. I feel it's some of my best work and most definitely worthy of at least one Bafta. That actress Mischa Barton was in it too. Nice girl. City fan would you believe!?!?

You currently find me in Sao Paolo in the great nation of Brazil. Been on holiday the last week. In a place called Laguna beach. Paradise. Home of the most over-rated band in all of music . . . "The Beach Boys". Nice gaff though.

ONWARDS.

GD.

Yes comrades . . . so, Sao Paolo.

Had a press conference early doors. Bit awkward to start with. It livened up though. It actually ended with my interpreter and a journalist just having a chat down their respective mic's!!

The show was fucking mega. What a spectacle. The crowd (or some of them at least) were waving yellow and green balloons as we took to the stage. Looked mega. Great atmosphere. Too much atmosphere as a matter of fact. Not sure if anyone was actually listening . . . they was sure feeling it though. Could barely hear myself sing. I don't mind telling you I lost it in a couple of places. Think it was being broadcast live on the Internet and all!! Lots of very amusing banners, signs, placards etc . . . here's but a few examples:

NOEL..WILL YOU MARRY ME? (this kind of thing has now become standard)

WE LOVE SARA!! (aww..so do I and she'd have been most pleased by that one)

FIRE TIM SMITH AND HIRE ME!! (very funny . . . if you're not Tim Smith . . . whoever that is?)

And my personal favourite . . . and this is not a joke . . .

NOEL..I AM PREGNANT BY YOU!!!!! (?and it was held up by a boy!! Reminds me of a similar sign my wife held up over breakfast a couple of years ago!!)

Strange cat's these Brazilians . . . anyway onto Rio!!

See you there or maybe not.

ONWARDS.

GD.

Yes comrades.

So . . . Rio? Fuck me! What an unbelievable night. A truly special gig. Not because of anything I did I hasten to add - I played AND sang like shit!! But them kids man!?!? it was just a privilege to have been there never mind on the stage AND I got in for free(I know the bass player innit?)!!!!!!

The green and gold balloons were out in force, More weird and wonderful banners (there was even a "Noel or die" one . . . which was nice!. Tthose kids were singing the guitar solos and lost Oasis classics in-between the songs . . . they were even doing "the Poznan" at one point!! Now I'd like to think I've done a fair few momentous gigs down the years but that one goes straight into the top 10 . . . no question.

Stopped quite by chance at a random bar on the way back to the hotel and fuck me if we didn't have one of the funniest, bestest nights out in a long time. Not sure what the bar was called but it was on the Copacabana. A waiter in shades kept putting down these bowls of nuts and shouting "these Viagra!!" They were in fact just nuts. A comrade of mine who shall remain nameless but you can refer to as "truffles" was convinced that everyone in there was either a prostitute or a pickpocket or in some cases both!! Top, top night though. Didn't even feel too bad the next day either, which made it even better.

Brazil . . . you NEVER, EVER disappoint.

Obrigado.

ONWARDS.

GD.

Yes comrades . . . so . . . Cordoba?

Had a funny sketch at the airport yesterday when a family came up to me while I was queuing to get on the plane. They approached me (Mum, Dad and two young boys) and asked the usual "is it alright if they (and pointed to the boys) take a picture?"

"Go on then" says I, and the parents turned around and gave the camera to the eldest lad and got HIM to take a picture of THEM with me!!!! I did laugh.

Cordon was double hot. Not that I got to benefit from any of the sun's rays as I was trapped in my fucking room all bastard day. There was crazy screaming kids everywhere. All over the hotel!!

Couldn't even go for a quiet bitter and a liddle drinky . . . screaming birds all over the place with their bastard cameras . . . "one picture, one picture!!!!" Can someone tell me what the fucking obsession is with taking pictures??? The gig was a good 'un. Played well . . . sang well. It was good.

The crowd had blue and white balloons just like the Brazilian kids yellow and green ones . . . very fucking cool if you ask me. They was all singing city songs as well!! Muchas gracias and all that.

Legged it early as I had to be up to get back to the airport in time to catch the Man City versus Newcastle match in the VIP lounge . . . it's a long story. I got a little shout out during the Spanish commentary!! One of my senior Argentinian aids heard they said that I was watching the game in the VIP lounge at Cordoba airport!! Which of course I was . . . but how did they know?? The lounge was empty!! Anyway . . . we won. A magnificent performance. Made all the more sweet as their manager is a tool what needs his hair ruffling and a kick in the shins.

So . . . landed here in Buenos Aires. There was a little madness at the airport. Only a little though, no drama. Gig here tonight AND a day off tomorrow . . . holy shit-balls it could get a bit Lionel Messi!!

ONWARDS.

GD.