Tales From The Middle Of Nowhere (Vol.2)

Yes comrades . . . so . . . Buenos Aires?

Fucking great show. It always is in that place. It never disappoints. Big crowd, about 10,000!! Just like the old days (man)!!

The gig itself was out doors right beside a busy railway line and quite near an airport AND it was a full moon! At times it was like playing inside a mad video game. My favourite banner read: NOEL . . . ADOPT ME PLEASE!!!! Funny that innit? They love a banner down here let me tell you. Now the gig was being filmed and will probably make it onto Youtube at some point. Please look out for what can only be described as an "interesting" version of "Supersonic" . . . it started quite badly . . . stopped . . . started again . . . didn't get much better until it died a sorry death. The best bit though and I do hope this comes across on the footage is right at the very end just at the point where I go into the very last chord . . . there's a dramatic pause . . . and right on cue a train passes and honks it's horn . . . very discordant and very loud!! It was maybe the greatest review of a performance in the history of all music.

Argentina I love you. See you next time.

You currently find me in Paraguay.

Lord have mercy!!!!!!!

ONWARDS.

GD.

Yes comrades . . . so Lima? (that's in Peru by the way)

It's also the place where I wrote that song of mine called "If I Had A Gun".

Nice place. Foggy. Stinks of dead fish!! Got a little bit wasted the first night on that drink "pisco sour"? The locals say you should only ever have 2 and under no circumstances should one attempt a 3rd. I must admit that did sound like a bit of a challenge at the time and one I would live to regret!! Think I got into double figures. Great night . . . horrific morning. Terrible hangover.

Someone suggested a walk about the following afternoon and as I'd never actually left the hotel last time I was here I thought "fuck it . . . why not?"

It quickly descended into farce with an ever growing mob of kids (fans and that . . . ) following us everywhere. Felt a bit like Jesus (looked a bit like Jesus if the truth be told!!). It was decided we should fuck it off and jib back to the hotel. Someone then mentioned that there was an ancient pyramid nearby so a couple of us set off to find it. I do like a pyramid me . . . mysterious pointy things . . . I love 'em!! Trouble is when we got there it was closed (not like a shop . . . it's a tourist attraction innit!!) but they let us in anyway, only they have us a guide who started to give us a brick by brick account of it's history. I felt the life being sucked out of me as the centuries whizzed by until . . . I just . . . walked off (you know when you just need a lie down?) he's no doubt probably still yakking on about wedges and building techniques!!

Anyway . . . the gig!! The gig was great . . . it was in a football stadium . . . well at least part of a football stadium. I wouldn't say it was the best place I've ever played, but top night all the same. Great crowd . . . loud . . . and lot's of 'em! The night ended with a police escort back to the hotel. Now . . . I've been in a few police escorts in my time but I can safely say I've NEVER been overtaken in one . . . by a bus . . . TWICE!!!!! High speed it was not. Job done though.

Adios Peru. You were slightly unhinged but mega . . . in a scary kind of way.

I am currently in Santiago (that's in Chile by the way). Getting an early night. Got to be up early tomorrow to watch Manchester City. We need one more win and we'll be crowned champions!!!

Gonna be a tense morning . . . .

If god wills it etc . . . .

ONWARDS.

GD.

Yes comrades.

You might have guessed we've had a few days off. Back in TCOTU. Very nice it was too.

So . . . where were we? Santiago? Don't remember much about the gig. I'm sure it was stunning.

To be honest I was on cloud 9 after the football. I don't remember much at all. You'll know by now that we (Manchester City) pulled it off. In the most dramatic scenes ever witnessed. What a rollercoaster. We had it, we lost it, we got it back, we lost it again and right at the death we won it.

I went fucking mental and I don't mind telling you I might have lost it for a little bit.

I must have watched it a hundred times since and it's still blowing me away every time.

Anyway . . . oh yeah!! When we got to the gig that night just before we was about to go onstage my tour manager stuck her head round the door and says "the British ambassador is outside and wants to see you!!"

"What for?"

"He wants to congratulate you on Man City winning the league!!"

Fuck me eh?? Manchester City . . . the pride of Great Britain? Who'd have thought . . . .

You find me back in Japan. Got a little tour and a couple of tv things to do. Then a little jib over to Korea (the south . . . obviously . . . as much as I've tried that northern mob have remained immune to my charms . . . cloth eared communist fuckers!) where for the first time ever I will spend my birthday onstage!!!!!! Mad that innit?

ONWARDS.

GD.

Yes comrades. It’s been a couple of days. This jet-lag is a fucker. Hardly slept a wink. So....

Did a show a couple of days ago at the Budokan. Quite a prestigious gig. Bob Dylan played here back in the day as did a little known band from Liverpool called The Beatles. It’s quite a big deal. Up there with Madison Square Gardens, Wembley Stadium, the Hollywood Bowl and erm . . . the Boardwalk!!

Did it in the round and all, which I have to say I really like. That's the second time we've done that kind of thing on this tour and I love it. Not sure if the people behind the stage would agree but . . . y'know . . . fuck 'em!!!

The gig was great. Very hot. My old mate Alan McGee turned up to see us which was nice as I haven't seen him in a long time. Great crowd. The heat didn't help the jet-lag though. I felt rooted to the spot. It really is a killer that gear.

So, yesterday after being chased through the train station we jumped on the bullet train to Nagoya. Had a gig in a mega little theatre. Stunning. Reminded me of one of my living rooms!!

Remember that girl what coined the phrase "Noel or die"? Well, anyway she was there with what seemed like a brand new posh as piss sign. Thing is the "Noel" and "die" bits were in bright luminous yellow and the "or" bit was in fucking navy blue all sewn (by hand one would imagine) onto a black background so all I could see was a sign that said "NOEL DIE!!" It was only when the lights went up at the end of the show that I realised what the fuck was going on!!

Great gig though.

Back in Tokyo now. Got some TV show to do today. No doubt it'll be utterly bizarre. They usually are. Singing live vocal to a backing track. I fucking HATE that gear. Mustn't grumble though.

Right . . . I'm off.

ONWARDS.

GD.

Well that tv show was - as predicted - fucking insane. It’s quite difficult to know what these Japanese shows are actually supposed to be about, but I'm guessing it was like some kind of version of our very own Top Of The Pops (R.I.P.).

It was all executed with military precision. For example they give you instructions like:

You will exit the dressing room at 8:34

You will enter corridor A at 8:37

You will shake this persons hand at 8:39

You will perform said song at 8:41 etc . . .

And the most amazing thing is it all runs like clockwork!

I was on with a load of Japanese acts one of which was a manufactured girl group called AKB48. I kid you not. There was maybe 30 of them all between the ages of 13-15!!! I suddenly started to feel very old.

The presenter was some old dude who looked at best like a James Bond villain.

It was loud fast and chaotic. Lord only knows why I was on there.

A good laugh all the same though.

Off to Osaka today.

That's all I've got for you I'm afraid. Jet-lagged out of my mind.

ONWARDS (and a little bit sideways!)

GD.

Yes comrades. So where were we? What day is it today? Sunday? It is here anyway.

So . . . back to Friday was it? Or Saturday? Fucked if I know anymore . . . I've had about 16 hours kip in a week!! So spaced out now it's getting psychedelic (I used to pay £20 to feel like this back in the 80's!!). Right well . . . I remember waking up in Tokyo whenever it was. Beautiful day. Caught the bullet train to Osaka was it? Got man handled at the station by an increasingly hysterical crowd of well wishers. They don't half like to scream questions at you over here. It can be quite an experience. Like a medium level bad trip. I mean what are you supposed to say when crazy birds are SCREAMING into your face . . .

"I LIKE YOUR SHOES . . . WHERE DID YOU GET YOUR SHOES!?!?!?!?!?"

Eventually got prized into the train, shades all wonky . . . dying for a piss.

Lovely journey though. Through what looks like beautifully manicured countryside. None of your unkempt foliage here mate! It looks like that kids toy gear, that Playmobil stuff? Like little Lego toy towns! I'm not even joking, it was like being on a giant train set in fact. I'm sure the Mighty I has got half the towns we passed through!!! A couple of hours staring out the window is my idea of a top day out. Arrived in Osaka. Chaos ensued. Running, shouting. More fucking screaming questions . . .

"WHY DID YOU NOT ANSWER MY LETTER!?”

“HOW IS YOUR WIFE!!? WHO IS YOUR CAT!?"

Or was it the other way round (who is your wife and how is your cat??).

All very strange. A good laugh all the same though. The gig was great. The best one of the tour I reckon. Now, you know the girl what made the sign that says "NOEL OR DIE!!"? Well, she must have read the last post and bless her she'd only gone and sewn on two White arrows on the sign pointing to the "OR"!! She also had made for me a couple of t-shirts to celebrate Man City winning the league. She'd substituted the eagle on the City badge for a Simpsons caricature of my face . . . thanks very much etc . . . but on closer inspection in big bold championship style lettering it said . . . (and this is so fucking true it hurts):

“MANCHESTER CITY PREMIER REAGUE CHAMPIONS 2012"!!!!!!!

Japan you are the bollocks.

See you next time.

ONWARDS.

GD

Yes comrades.

Spent the last few days in Korea. In the great city of Seoul. Love this place. It’s like the Scotland of Asia. The shows (which there were 2 of) were fucking bloody awesome.

Thanks for all the birthday presents. A special thanks to the kids what made the birthday cakes that ended up in the dressing room. Works of art they were!!

Someone actually passed a birthday cake onto the stage during the last song!!

I'm feeling a bit worse for wear this morning.

I'm about to start some kind of epic journey home.

I have nothing more to say.

ONWARDS.

GD.

Yes comrades. . .

Festival season is upon us. Non-stop now. Flying here, there and everywhere.

You currently find me in the great city of Moscow. Did a festival last night with that band The Cure and a load of other bands no-one's ever heard of (Everything Is Made In China?? Nope me neither!!). Had a pretty good one. Not sure the Cure fans down the front enjoyed it though. They did look a bit miserable it has to be said. I enjoyed it anyway so fuck 'em!! Seemed to be more police there than punters.

Legged it early to watch the England-France game. Not bad. Not great but not bad. Off to the Ukraine today . . . Kiev to be exact. Never been out that far. Gonna be hot, hot, hot by all accounts!!

Enjoy the rain back home suckers!!!!!

ONWARDS.

GD.