Tales From The Middle Of Nowhere (Vol.2)

"Yes...

Well not a great deal going on. Nothing to report and normally I would wait until something happened before I mithered you but someone has just made me aware of a headline they came across on this here internet. Now 99 times out of 100 I wouldn't bother with such nonsense but I feel outraged, so for the record...

There is a headline that implies that I am of the opinion that the years spent under the rule of that soon to be dead granny, Maggie Thatcher, was good for the soul. I've read the story and I must say it's very misleading; any great working class art, fashion, youth culture etc came to be IN SPITE of that woman and her warped right wing views and NOT BECAUSE of them. Also for the record, on the day that she dies we will party like it's 1989. Just so you know.

ONWARDS.

GD."

-----------------

"Yes...

Well that's it, my work here is done. I have to say I've had a great time.

I love you Australia. Although you are built on a basic principal of petty crime, backpacking, casual labour (usually bar work and mainly in TCOTU, around Earls Court and Shepherds Bush) you are full of brilliant nonsense like - Aussie news, shoe stealing anarchists, Aussie country music, drunk people throwing dead fish, the oldest neon sign in the southern hemisphere, colossal American TV from the '80's and bugs the size of Ronnie Corbett. We'll meet again. No 'bout a doubt it.

ONWARDS.

GD."

dick

"So yes, well where were we? Australia!! Where are we now? Manchester!!

First night of this arena tour. I used to really, really, love doing arena tours. I loved the feel and the sound and the space etc etc...gotta say after the production rehearsals last night AND after doing theatres since October last year I'm not so sure I do anymore. It all seems too big, too loud, too fucking cold!! I'm sure I'll get used to it though. Bit of a shock how much you forget eh?

Got a right firm of people on the road with me. At any given time there will be upwards of 35 people onstage!! The introductions might take a while. I don't know anyone's name yet and probably won't even at the end. Looking forward to it though. It'll be fly by the seat of your pants gear but exciting none the same..we shall see eh?

ONWARDS.

GD."

"Yes…

Now then, that gig last night was just as I thought it was gonna be… A bit big, a bit loud, a bit, well… difficult.

Having not played arenas for a few years the step back up the ladder comes as a bit of an unwanted pain in the arse-hole!! I suppose I best get used to it and quickly, eh?

Still, there were some echoes of familiarity though… A big punch up down the front during the third song!! Reminded me of them good old days.

I had to laugh though when I reminded all the boys and girls in the crowd that it was Valentine's Day today… There were a few booos!!! They booed a day??!!

Got off-stage to the incredible news that Carlos Tevez is to return to Man City!!!! I speak to all supporters of MCFC here when I say try not to boo him. We shouldn't be booing our own players, no matter what stunts they might have pulled. We're on course for glory. We don't need him but it might just make the run in a little less stressful… If we must let him know how we feel then we should sing Mancini's name even louder than usual… That'll do for now.

You currently find me in Aberdeen… The coldest place on earth.

People live here, you know?

Actually LIVE here!!!!!

Unbelievable.

ONWARDS.

GD."

Aberdeen has been pretty warm the last couple of days. Noel really is a pussy these days.

"Yes…

Well, where were we? Aberdeen? Let's start there then, shall we?

A great night, I think. Feeling much more at home now up on the big stage. Think the actual size of the Manchester gig may have freaked me out there for a while!!

Good singers, that lot up in Aberdeen. Not much happening post show though. Legged it sharpish. Had to be up early the next day to travel to Belfast. A day of pure fuckin' mither! Why is it that you travel the entire surface of the globe… Back and forth and up and down all over the place and everything seems to run like clockwork yet you get back home and all you encounter is delay after delay after cancellation?? Why is that? It's a fuckin' shithole nightmare, that's why!!!!

Arrived in the great city of Belfast in the dark and the wet. Not much time to do anything other than order what could only be described as a bit of psychedelic room service. Chicken Maryland anyone? No… me neither. This dish (Chicken Maryland) consisted of some kind of chicken, whether it was fried or not is still not apparent, BUT it came with a banana (which was most definitely fried!). That's right, a fried banana AND a fried pineapple!!!! Now I'm no chef, but fuck me that can't be right, can it? That top Michelin star psycho Gordon Ramsay would have garrotted whoever came up with that masterpiece… Sorry? But what did it taste like, you ask?? Absolutely delicious!! It didn't even touch the sides.

So… To the gig in Belfast. A great, great night. Right up there with the best. They were the kind of crowd you would love to take round the world with you. Loud and proud. Young kids too. Very special. My keyboard player (who shall remain nameless) had the gig of his life. If you were there you'll know what I mean… Think Rick Wakeman mid-stroke!!

You currently find me in Dublin. Say no more. Tonight will be another great, great night. No doubt.

ONWARDS.

GD."

"Yes…

Well, so the gig in Dublin was somewhat predictably supermegadoubletop!!!!

Another great, great crowd. They've done that venue up, and all… I really, really like it… Well done!!!!

Some girl flashed me too!! (Which was nice.) TWICE!! Just in case I hadn't noticed the first time, which of course I had. Thanks anyway. Much obliged.

Flew into Manchester airport yesterday and guess who I saw? Go on, guess… You'll never guess… MARADONA!!!! MARA-FUCKIN'-DONA!!!! I've met him before, but still… Maradona? Wonder what he's doing here in Manchester? Visiting Agüero, maybe? Or hopefully come to give Tévez a clip round the ear and tell him to sort his head out!!

Off to Sheffield tonight. Playing the big arena. Always a bit special for me this gig as it was Oasis' first ever arena gig, and also where 'Don't Look Back In Anger' was aired for the first time! Good times…

Gotta scarper back to TCOTU straight after though. Got rehearsals for them Brits tomorrow. Is that a major pain in the arse I can feel forming? I think it bloody well is!!

ONWARDS.

GD."

"Yes…

Well… Can't remember when the last time was we spoke… To be honest I'm having trouble remembering anything after the BRITs! What a smash up!! Well enjoyed it. It'll probably be the last time I ever get nominated so we were pretty determined to rip it a new arsehole, and from what I can gather we had a right good crack at it too. It's all got a bit too slick that thing now though, it's treated with a bit too much respect, if you ask me… It is but a TV show with a few awards carved up and spread around… And if I'm not very much mistaken did I detect the faint whiff of a few wrong 'uns miming? I think I did… You know who you are and you should be ashamed of yourselves. I digged Coldplay though, and Blur and Olly Murs' dancers!! (Blimey!!!)

As for what went on after? Reports are still coming in. I remember going to a party on a boat. I remember going to another party in a posh gaff in the West End. I remember getting that comedian Rob Brydon to do his thing for us (which was fuckin' funny). I remember… well not much else, to be honest. Called it a day at about 10am!! Proper old school business. Didn't get home until 5pm the next evening and I'd somehow managed to nick a giant shoe and ended up with an £8,000 watch!!! And I don't even wear a watch!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Felt as bad as I've ever felt yesterday. I was seriously thinking of phoning in sick. I needn't have worried though. Last night's gig here in Newcastle was mega… Might have been the best one yet. Had a top laugh with the crowd. A great night. If you were there, I thank you.

ONWARDS.

GD."

dickhead

That 'onwards' thing really grates

We're done, Noel

I'm amazed he's still going with this

I'm not.

"Yes..now then.

Been a long time eh? Lots to tell .. . think the last time we had words I was just on my way to the great city of Glasgow? Had a gig at the SECC I think? Top night as I recall. It always is up there.

There was a nice surprise before the show. Bonehead was in town and stuck his head round the door to say hello!! Hadn't seen him for . . . well fuckin' years!! He was in good spirits, he says hello by the way.

Did a gig at that 02 place in TCOTU couple of nights after. It was shit yet mega at the same time somehow. It felt a bit too big for me. Maybe I just wasn't in the mood. Dunno. I didn't enjoy it much anyway. I seen people eating while I was playing . . . ACTUALLY EATING!!!!!!!?? Please somebody explain to me what the FUCK that's all about. Cheeky cunts! Tthere is of course a time and a place for such things and surely at a gig isn't one of them . . . is it?

After that nonsense it was good to jib back up to Glasgow for a little (and I mean tiny) gig for some competition winners in a place called "the Grand Ole Opry" which was neither grand nor old!! Great night though. Loved it. Next up was them NME awards. Bizarre affair that thing now. Is it an award ceremony or is it a mini indoor festival?? Seems like it's a bit of both. I was presented with the god-like genius award, which was nice. I must thank all the people what said such nice words about me. I'm talking 'bout you Paul Weller and you Ray Davies and you Bobby G and you Guy Garvey and you Sergio and you Brandon Flowers and you Sir Roger Daltrey and you you little Arctic Monkey chops and Johnny Marr. Had to keep a lid on the celebrations though. Had a gig up in Birmingham the next day. Great show. Some clowns down the front were seemingly hell bent on trying to start a fight. Luckily they never quite managed it. Knob heads.

Legged it up to Manchester that night as I had been invited to go and watch Man City train!! What an honour. Fuck me them boys can play. Got to meet and do an interview with the man simply known as . . . Balotelli. It was filmed by the BBC so you'll be able to see it soon. WHAT A DRUID!!! That kid truly does not give a flying fuck about anything.

You currently find me in the great city of Barcelona. Had a gig last night which was tip- top. Some of the lads were in a right mess from the night before. A dodgy rogan-Josh apparently!!!


Off to Paris now and I'm late.

Au revoir.

ONWARDS.

GD."

cock

Yeah he is coming across as a knob now. As regards people eating at the gig whilst he's playing.....well says a lot really doesn't it?!