Tales From The Middle Of Nowhere (Vol.2)

"Yes…

Well, the gig went as well as could be expected for a band that ain't played for over a month. The old voice seems to have held up and all. I expect tonight to be a little bit better. Usually takes about 4-5 gigs to get back in the groove (not that we actually do groove!).

Anyway, the usual suspects were all present. The "NOEL OR DIE" sign was down the front. Last time I saw it it was just a bit of yellow tape stuck on a black piece of fabric. It's gone all posh now!! Like a proper banner... Well done!!!!

Now I don't know if you're aware of this but during gigs in Japan in between songs there is a deathly silence. Not sure why, but it's very disconcerting. At the end of any given song you get thunderous applause for about 10 seconds then... total silence.

But last night, what can only be described as a little girl, kept shouting out rather odd "statements". She sounded EXACTLY like my eldest young son which, in itself, was quite off-putting. And this is what she had to say, and the fact that she was saying it with a slightly creepy steely-eyed stare, made it all the more weird… get on this:

- NOEL, I LOVE YOU!! (Fair enough… what's not to love, eh?)
- I LOVE YOU, EVEN WHEN I'M AT SCHOOL!! (Ok?)
- CAN YOU KISS ME… PLEASE? (What, now? …Right now?)
- NOEL, YOU ARE MY IDEAL MAN!! (Ideal man?)
- CAN I MARRY YOU? (Erm… no.)
- I WANT YOUR PICK!!! (Sorry….)

She said PICK… my guitar pick, you filthy swine… I gave it to her after the show anyway, just to be nice and that (the pick!!). All in all a good night.

I'm off to Kiddyland now to do a bit of shopping. It's a toy store… it sells toys… not kids… I'm not Madonna!!!!

ONWARDS.

GD."

"Yes…

So did some mad Japanese breakfast TV show yesterday. It was bizarre to say the least. Hosted by a female comedian… what do you call them again, comedienne, or summat?

Anyways, the interview went like what they do… the usual Q's followed by the usual A's when out of nowhere and without warning (actually there may have been a warning… hard to tell over here!) she starts singing that song by Mariah Carey (or is it Dolly Parton?), "I Will Always Love You"!!!!! She wasn't holding back either, she fuckin' belted it out. So she sings a chorus and a verse and the big fuck off ending… then… silence… Not so much as a titter from the studio audience… Nothing… I FUCKIN' LOVE THIS COUNTRY!!!!!!!!!!!

The actual gig was really very good. Not only was it shocking to get back up to speed so quick, it was right up there with the best so far!

My new biggest fan, that little girl was there again. She had the same clothes on (stinky little fish!!). She reiterated that she is indeed quite fond of me while holding up a letter for me like a religious artifact… strange kid.

Gotta go. I've been up since 4.30am and I'm still running late… How can that be?

ONWARDS.

GD."

"Yes…

Made it to New Zealand. Auckland, to be exact. It's summer time!!!

The sun's out. Loud and proud. Twas a fuckin' slog yesterday though. Sleep deprivation is a killer.

Some girl comes up to me at the airport in Japan. She was pregnant. She says to me, "Can you touch my stomach and bless my baby?" Sorry? "Please touch my stomach and bless my baby." Ok… there you go, kid… consider yourself blessed. Then she says… "Please can you name my baby?" What? "Please name my baby." What now?? Right now?? "Yes please." Ok… Is it a boy or a girl? "Oh, I don't know yet!!" Jeez... Meet me half way, eh??

Anyway, the flight was ok. Got some kip at least. The jet lag's not too bad when you get this far around the world. Feeling back to normal.

I haven't been to NZ since 1997. I have no recollection of it at all! My tour manager informed me I may have had an impromptu sing song round a piano in a hotel bar with that singer Joe Cocker!! I don't remember that at all!! Scary, eh?

Looking forwards to the gig tomorrow. My first festival of the year. Kasabian are on the bill so it should be a blast.

ONWARDS.

GD."

"Yes…

Well the gig in Auckland was well good. It was my first ever festival and I'd forgotten how much I like them. (Well, not my first EVER, but you know what I mean.)

Got down the site early to see them rock'n'roll soldiers Kasabian. They were somewhat predictably very fuckin' good indeed. Immaculately turned out. Well stylish!!!

The morning after, whilst in a mad rush packing / eating breakfast, I had a brilliantly funny scene with a hotel employee in my room. I won't go into it here 'cos it won't look good in print, but it was classic Laurel & Hardy gear. I'll tell you next time I see you.

Met some woman at the airport yesterday who comes over asking would I do a photo with her husband… "Aww, go on," she says. "It'll make his day… His mates are always taking the piss out of him 'cos he looks like you!!!!!" Charming, eh? How does one refuse that request?

I sat next to a priest on the plane!!!!!!!!!! Dunno why that warrant's a mention, but it does. A real fuckin' priest. He had the full rig out on and all… Mega!!!!!

Bar one petty criminal birthday boy customs and immigration was negotiated expertly. Arrived here on the Gold Coast late yesterday evening (I said Gold Coast, not golf course!!).

This hotel is a nightmare. It's a proper blimmin' holiday resort. Full of fat people in towels. Hell on earth.

ONWARDS.

GD."

^^^
I WAS AT THAT GIG. Noel sidestage for kasabian, huge times.

Anything new on the setlist?

You think?

www.setlist.fm/search?query=noel+gallagher%27s+high+flying+birds

Great site, by the way.

b-b-b-but i thought it was nasty bully liam who held oasis back from changing their setlists?

Same ol', but still cool to have IGTBF, TT and a Noel-sung Supersonic.

I actually think both are probably equally boring.
I think there's some truth in what Noel have said about Liam not bothering with changing up the songs etc during the Oasis era and I believe Noel is incredibly boring now.

Sadly they have never, none of them, been that exciting when it comes to setlists.

I would have loved them to be like Smashing Pumpkins in their hey-days. That was improvisation with setlists on a whole other level.

Die.

"Yes well... Been out of the game for a couple of days. Not sure if I can remember all of what's been happening. We shall see...

So... Where were we up to? The Gold Coast, I believe. That Big Day Out gig was pretty good, as I remember. It fucking pissed down though! Like a proper Biblical downpour. Fuck that!! Come to Australia, they said... It's their summer, they said... What a load of old bollocks.

I DID NOT SIGN UP FOR THIS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!

There are many similarities between this place and old England, festival weather being one of them... What a fucking swizz. I even got my shoes muddy watching Kasabian... An outrage!!!!!!!!

Legged it straight off stage back to the hotel to watch Man City - Tottenham. We made hard work of it, but we got there in the end. Super Mario rolled in the winner with about 10 seconds left. What a druid that kid is.

So then... I had my own show here in Sydney a couple of nights ago. A truly great gig. The best one of the entire tour, no doubt about it!! They do like a sing-song down here. They was loud and proud... Gotta say though, it's a night that will live long in the memory for another reason. That being the night I got my first bra thrown onstage!! I was so proud, and the young lady should be too, if you know what I mean? Made me feel a bit like Tom Jones!!!!!

Met up with some old comrades from my well spent youth at the Hacienda. Tall tales were told and shit was talked into the small hours. Not sure what time 'time' was called, but I do know it was pissing down when we left!!

Woke up yesterday with a naughty hangover. Felt like a dead shit. It was still raining. What the fuck? Didn't do much. Stared out the window watching the rain. Reminded me of being on the dole back home in Manchester in the '80s.

It's Chinese New Year. The Year of the Dragon. My eldest son will be pleased. He LOVES dragons!

Went for a Chinese last night at a place called Marigold... Marigold?? What an odd name for a Chinese restaurant, no?? Anyway, as we were waiting for a table, that band UB40 walked in... Well I say UB40, it was deffo the singer cause I spoke to him. Not sure who the rest of them were, they deffo weren't the same firm that was on Top of the Pops in the '80s. Then about 5 mins later, in walks that singer and top dreadnought Billy Ocean!!! Caribbean Queen, and all that? No? Google him. Top food. Maybe some of the best I've ever had, and I've had a lot.

Woke up this morning... STILL FUCKING RAINING. Got another day off.

Bored.

ONWARDS.

GD."

Melbourne gig last night was pretty good. Drums sounded shit in some songs though.

More Noel ramblings:

"Yes…

So, been out of the game for a couple of days AGAIN!!

Here goes… What day is it today? …Friday? Saturday? Fuck knows.

The last time we spoke I was in Sydney, right? Just getting ready for The Big Day Out?

Well… Woke up that morning and guess what? That's right, it was pissing down… I mean what IS the point of Australia while it's raining? There is no point. I'm staggered by the weather. "Oh, fuck off!" to the sky, said I.

'Twas a big day for the Aussies. Australia Day. It's a day where they celebrate all things Australian… Whatever that means. Still part of the blimmin' Empire, if you ask me, innit? Sydney Harbour was full of boats and ships. Spectacular. There was cannons going off and even a fly past by the Aussie air force (mate!)... IN THE RAIN!!!!!!!!!!!!

There was a bit of a scene with the Aussie PM (some ginger Sheila). She got a bit roughed up by some protesters and had to be bundled into a car that looked like a taxi. Thing is, she lost one of her shoes!! Like Cinderella!! The news went in heavy on the protesters… (What a scandal… No… Not sandal… They didn't make it clear what style of shoe it was!!!)

By the time I got down to the festival site to continue my battle of wits with the Aussie media (mate), Kasabian had been and gone!! Heard they were good though.

My gig was really bloody good (mate). Had a pair of ladies knickers thrown on stage and a top hat!! I do hope they came from the same person!!

Legged it early the next day and arrived here in Melbourne (mate). And guess what? No… You're wrong see, because it's bloody boiling (mate). Yes sir!! The sun has got his hat on, and it's got little corks dangling round the rim!!

They still have that Jerry Springer on TV down here. Forgot how psychedelic that programme is. There was a threesome on it called… "Sha-toya" and "Jo-neesa" and a guy whose name was "Country". Mega. I laughed until it wasn't funny anymore.

So then I stopped and turned on the news. Turns out the big story building was about "the shoe".

"Where is the PM's shoe?" They asked.
"Who's got the shoe?" They pleaded.
"We must find the shoe!!".

Had a bit of a mooch around and about (didn't find the shoe). Not much going on here, but by the time I got back to the hotel THE SHOE HAD BEEN FOUND!!!!!!!!!!!!

There was a brilliant Monty Python-esque moment were they went live to the actual shoe being handed over to the authorities by what looked like a protester…

"There you go Cinders, you shall go to the ball," I thought.

Except she didn't. She went to the tennis. To see Andy Murray lose… AGAIN!!!

ONWARDS.

GD.

PS: Dunno what all the fuss was about. The shoe was bobbins. A black suede wedge?? Not this season...(mate)."

--------------------

"Yes…

Well… So? I've become addicted to watching the Aussie news. It's beyond hilarious.

Honestly, it's like a spoof show "AUSSIE NEWS (MATE)". Someone should do that, it'd be mega. I'd watch it anyway.

After the ludicrous episode with the PM's shoe these are just a couple of things that I've caught in between gigs and promo…

THE AUSSIE COUNTRY MUSIC AWARDS!!! Yes, indeed. They've invented a new musical genre. Aussie Country. So I'm watching the news and they go to the Aussie Country Awards (The Golden Guitars) where they're interviewing some of the winners of the said Golden Guitars… They were singing like Country, y'all, but talking Aussie (mate). Dressed like proper honest-to-goodness cowboys. 40 gallon hats, leather waistcoats and the boots, but using words like "ripper" and "beaudy"… Very odd, no??

Now the other thing was maybe the weirdest thing I've ever seen on national television news. So much so that when I got down to the Big Day Out site I had to ask a few of the natives for confirmation of what I thought I'd just seen. And they confirmed it like it was the most natural thing in the world, which of course it is to these people. THE ANNUAL TUNA-RAMA FESTIVAL!!!! A festival that celebrates all things wonderful about tuna… TUNA??? That's right, tuna… The tuna fish.

Now, there was the (un)usual local news b-roll fodder; interviewing mums, grannies and kids… All having a ripper of a day eating tuna sandwiches and tuna salad and... Well, that was it one would've thought? But no… At the climax of the festival they play a little game called tuna-hurling… TUNA-HURLING!!!! That's right, I watched (checking frantically if I'd been spiked) as big burly Bruces and little burly Shielas and even a granny took a foot long tuna fish… a real fucking tuna fish and swung it round like an Olympic athlete throwing the hammer up a pre-marked out track?!!?

And they covered it on the news like it was just a load of drunk people in a field throwing a dead fish around for fun… Which, of course, it was.

The scary thing is those were just two of the things I caught. (There was another story with a guy graphically describing how he'd been trying to get two different kinds of dung beetles to mate to make one super dung fucking ninja warrior but, we won't go into that…)

What else is going on while I'm away from the TV?? I might have to start getting this shit recorded and shipped to England once a month, it's essential viewing.

Anyway, enough of that brilliant nonsense.

The gig was good. We were indoors in a tent. It was very, very hot. Seemed to be a bit of a fancy dress vibe down the front. I saw a pirate and a cowboy. We didn't play very well. No one seemed to mind though.

Kasabian were having one of their legendary parties at some club or other down town. Last men standing were me and Serge at 5am. A good shift. As we left it was starting to get light… and fuck me if it didn't start to ever-so-slightly rain… I didn't know whether to laugh or cry so I did neither… I passed out.

Still raining now.

ONWARDS.

GD."

Why? I enjoy hearing Noel sing his own songs. There are still some from DM we've never heard - insanity.

"Yes…

So, the gig here in Melbourne was great. (Yes, I'm still in Melbourne! They don't call this the Big Day Off for nothing.) It was at a place whose name escapes me just now, in a suburb called St. Kilda… A real saint? I think not. I mean, I'm no expert on the Bible, but when "they" forced us to study it at gunpoint at school I don't recall a St. Kilda.

The venue is most famous for having the oldest neon sign in the Southern Hemisphere!! (There's a little factoid for you.)

The gig was a bit weird to start with. It was all seated and the crowd remained so for the first three songs. It was like they were at the cinema… Now I know how the support band must've felt!

Anyway, I felt as though I must speak to these people…

"Do you HAVE to sit down?" I asked.

"NO!!" They shouted back as one.

"Well… Can you stand up, please?" I asked again, slightly annoyed.

"YISS," they replied in an Aussie accent and up they all stood… Just like that!! Now that did lead to some particularly bad dancing, I must say, but it was a price worth paying.

Wasn't much going on after the show so I legged it quick sharp.

Was up early yesterday. Went for a wander up town. Nothing to do, and all day to do it. Did pass a strange place which had a sign above the door that said, "VICTORIAN HOBBY CENTRE"?? What the fuck?? What do they do in there? Whip poor people? I was gonna go in to satisfy my curiosity but as I'm from the North they would've probably put me to work as a chimney sweep or a miner or a beggar.

Bumped into comrade Serge and another one of Kasabian, whose name I can never fucking remember. Had a bit of lunch… A mad Mexican, if you must know.

On the way back to my hotel I passed another establishment that had a sign over the door that said… "VICTORIAN DETECTIVE SERVICE"!!! What the fucking fuck?? Was there an actual Victorian detective inside? With a top hat? And a cane? And a monocle? Holding a massive magnifying glass?? I do hope so.

ONWARDS.

GD."

"Yes...

I is in Adelaide. Not been up to this neck of the bush for a long time. Felt a bit rough yesterday, dodgy Chinese before I left the hotel in Melbourne.

Have a guess who I bumped into in the lift yesterday? Go on...you'll never guess. One half of an 80's yacht rock duo...no? Well, it was one of Hall and Oates!! Not sure if it was Hall or Oates...it was the little fella with the moustache! Which one's he? Fucked if I know!!

At the airport we had a full on heated debate about one's favourite chocolate bar. What started off with an innocent observation about how your traditional chocolate bar over here is slightly different to back home turned into a full on finger jabbing swear-fest!! The debate centred round the premise of being in the local newsagents just buying a paper and if you had to choose one bar (or bag of) chocolate which one would you go for? That led to people pulling up chocolate from years gone by AND short-lived classics (Cadbury's 'Spira' anyone?). The whole shouting match took well over an hour...pity chocolate doesn't last that long!!

Arrived in Adelaide still arguing. Caught a splendid run of 80's American action show cheese this morning. Get on this, they came one after another...THE DUKES OF HAZZARD!! (Boss Hogg? Remember him?), Magnum!! (Higgins? Remember him?), KNIGHT RIDER!! (That car? Remember that car? Looks pony now!!) and THE A-TEAM!! (Absolute dog shit). What a bill of Yankee Doodle cheese! Magnum was my favourite...that brown and yellow striped helicopter is mint!!

Just got back from being out...not a great deal happening here although I did see a child magician in action, some of the WORST busking ever and a poster for an Ozzy Osbourne tribute act. His name?

AUSSIE OSBOURNE!! Priceless.

ONWARDS.

GD."